Last month was long, strenuous, terrifying, traumatizing and mostly… just hard.
My mom, after weeks of acting as a real life ping-pong ball between doctors, was diagnosed with Gillian Barre Syndrome, and was hospitalized immediately. This is an extremely rare condition that attacks the nervous system. My mom lost her ability to walk…ability to swallow normally…..and lost the feeling in her legs, arms, and face in a matter of days. This was scary and it progressed aggressively. There is no cure for Gillian Barre, there is only a 5 day IVIG treatment in hopes of slowing down the paralysis, but they couldn’t be sure of anything.
The scariest part about this condition is that they don’t know much about it…..and the spectrum of possibilities that can occur are far from reassuring.
In an instant my moms world stopped. My world stopped.
What do you mean you have no answers?
What do you mean you don’t know when or IF she will get the feeling back in her legs and arms?
What do you mean she may have to be put on a breathing machine if the paralysis continues to rise up to her chest?
She is 47 years old and is healthier than anyone I know, why can’t you tell me whats wrong or whats going to happen?
…but nothing. They couldn’t answer any of my questions.
The next week during my moms treatment was long and sleepless, and everyday felt like a nightmare come to life.
During this time I found myself feeling angry and with no desire to talk to God, or anyone really. Not only because I was angry, but because I couldn’t think about anything other than the fear that consumed my every thought and breath. When I did have a second to think all I could wonder was why this would happen to my mom? Out of everyone in this world she is the one person who surely doesn’t deserve this. I have heard people ask this question about their own loved ones before, and my answer to myself was always “God has his plan, and everything happens for a reason”, but suddenly that answer didn’t feel like enough.
Where was God during this time and why wasn’t He stopping this from happening?
I had a lot of questions and assumed they would go unanswered, just like all the other questions of the week.
I thought my faith was stronger than this… and I surely thought my trust in God was deeper. But apparently God thought I needed a reality check. And it turns out, I did.
After the never ending week of treatment, my mom was moved to another hospital where she would begin intensive therapy in hopes of getting her walking again. This was when we finally started to see the light at the end of the tunnel and a glimpse of hope for the future.
God chose to speak to me a few days later through a song called King of the World by Natalie Grant.
It captivated me, as if God was talking right to me through my radio and asking me “when did you forget that I am the king of the world?”. “You tried to take life back right out of my hands, why?”. “How could you make me so small, when Im the one who holds it all?”.
Its hard for me to describe exactly how this experience felt, but it was powerful.
Suddenly, I was the one without answers. And suddenly my eyes were filled with tears that came from nowhere and soon turned into uncontrollable sobs. In that instant God shrunk me back down to the ant size human I truly am. He was stern with these questions…. but yet so comforting at the same time.
I realized in that moment that my mom was only alive because that was His plan….not because of anything I did.
I think far too often we get Gods promise confused. I know I surely did.
God never promised that life would be easy, He actually says the complete opposite, and He means it.
His promise is that when things get really hard and we don’t have the answers we need or want that He is still there holding us and carrying us when we don’t have the strength to walk ourselves.
The promise is not that we will feel less shattered when tragedy strikes….. the promise is that God gives and takes away with a single breath from His mouth… and in every situation He is there going through it with us. He is right there holding us.
The truth is that even if I wasn’t in that hospital room every second of every day things would have still turned out the way they did, simply because He was in control the entire time. And if it was His plan to bring my mom home with Him, there would have been nothing I could do or say about it. That’s hard for me to accept, but His knowledge and reasoning for why and when is way above my capacity of understanding. The bottom line is that Earth is not our home and one day we, along with all our loved ones, will be called home to meet Jesus face to face. My mom is a Christ follower, so no matter what God decided to do with this sickness, she was ready. Praise Jesus, she was ready!
Although, I am beyond thankful that God decided to allow her to stay with us.
This experience has been eye opening and heart changing. I am so far from being in control of anything, my every breath is a gift because He allows it to happen.
And mostly this has showed me how far I am from where I want to be. Jesus has so much more to teach me and to show me on my journey of becoming more like Him.
I want to be teachable and open to His lessons, but sometimes they are hard. Sometimes trusting God is just hard.
But when God puts the closest person to you in a life threatening situation things get messy and you realize that the only constant is Jesus.
He remains the same, and He remained solid when everything around me was crumbling during that week. Even if I didn’t see it in the moment.
When my mom was given 500ml of the wrong medication. He was there.
When anxiety attacks woke me up out of my sleep. He was there.
When we didn’t know anything. He knew everything.
His plan is good, and He is good.
He is good.
