Anxiety.
The monster that had an overwhelmingly tight grip on my life since childhood.
It’s interesting to me how such a short phrase carried such a heavy load of destruction and emptiness for me…..
“What if”
The platform from which my anxiety manifested itself.
The shoulders that my fears rested so comfortably on.
There was a time in my life when “what if” had an all access pass to my deepest and most inner thoughts, and it was a frequent visitor. The constant fears of believing I was sick with anything and everything possible (side note: stay away from WebMD, because no matter what you’re always dying), the late night car rides around the neighborhood that acted as the only remedy to calm my nerves (thanks mom….you’re a trooper), and missing out on family vacations because I couldn’t manage to get on a plane. Yep, it was bad…
My parents decided against putting me on medication because I was so young. We tried therapy a few times, that didn’t work, mostly because I started having anxiety attacks about being left alone with the therapist. It was messy and I was stuck. There was only one option that I hadn’t yet tried.
Jesus.
If the things I had learned about Jesus were true then He could certainty get me out of this hole I had found myself buried in.
And He did.
I soon invited Jesus to come into the boxing ring with me, because I was tapping out. Now my anxiety was fighting against something much bigger and stronger than I was. Jesus, as He does, took on this battle for me while I became the peanut gallery on the sidelines cheering Him on. My shield of protection was an 8×10 piece of college ruled paper with every bible verse you could imagine relating to anxiety, my favorite was the classic:
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11
This verse became my hiding place when fear started to intrude. It reminded me that God already had my life planned out long before I was born and my two cents wasn’t needed.
Slowly my anxiety attacks started to become more manageable and less frequent.
Now, many years later I am preparing to leave the country for 11 months…
Whoa! Who saw this coming? Definitely not me!
But that’s what’s so beautiful about giving control over to God.
He takes our mess and gives us a purpose.
He takes us to places we didn’t even know we wanted to go.
Are there still moments when the good old “what if” gets the best of me? Yes!
But that’s to be expected, because anytime God has big plans for us Satan usually has little plans for attempting mass destruction along the way.
Something I’ve learned through this process is that life gets interesting when you let God take over. This is not an easy thing for me because my anxiety thrives most when I feel like I don’t have control. Even though the truth is that I’ve never been in control. Being ok with not having all the answers and committing fully when you cant see where exactly you are going is always a pre-requisite for giving control to God because lots of times we can’t see the big picture in the moment.
After having just a small taste of what it’s like to do things Gods way, I find myself wanting more of it. And I want so badly to see where this life with Him leads me….
Because life with Him means traveling to Guatemala and the Philippines to help be apart of the restoration and renewal process of His daughters.
Because life with Him means loving and working with sisters in Christ who have believed a lie that they aren’t good enough and reminding them daily that they are beautiful regardless of what they look like in the physical.
Because life with Him looks like leaving everything that is familiar to me for 11 months to lend a hand to those in need.
Because life with Him looks like raising $18000 when you have no idea where its gonna come from. But somehow knowing it will come.
And most importantly life with Him means simply saying yes.
So yes, yes I will follow Him down this road of ups, downs, twists, and turns because life with Him is better. and because He sees the rough roads ahead and knows exactly how to navigate me through them, just like He dug me out from under the weight of my anxiety that was crushing me and holding me captive so many years ago.
He sets us free.
So now I rest, and enjoy this ride while He does the driving.
And anxiety is not invited.
