Well my time here in Costa Rica is coming to a close. Time is a weird concept here because it feels like I’ve been living in this country for a long time, but it also seems as if I was just arriving yesterday. I would love to tell you everything that I’ve learned and everything that God has shown me, but I honestly couldn’t fit it into a single blog post, or twenty for that matter. The first leg of my race has been one of spiritual pruning, painful and tedious, but also one of spiritual peace, full of grace and discovery.
Dying to myself has been something I have had to do over and over in my first three months on the field. In the States, I thought that I had done this. I went to church, and was seen as “that Christian kid” in most circles. I had been in places of leadership at my church and in college ministries. Comparatively, I was “doing better” than a lot of people my age so I took that to mean I was living out my faith. It wasn’t until I got to Costa Rica that I realized how hollow my faith was. A great example of this occurred during a word fast that I did this last month. I was spending a day in silence in an attempt to grow more intimate with God. We were on our way to ministry and my Squad Leader Kevin was praying over me. He told me, “Since you aren’t talking to people, you can have a conversation with just God all day!” That thought really excited me, and I was looking forward to being in constant communication with God. Fast forward about five minutes into the future, and I had run out of things to talk about. I have known Christ for years, but when left alone together, it felt like we were on an awkward first date. The pride that I had in my “rock solid faith” came crumbling to the ground as God revealed to me that I still had so much to work on.
For so long I have been looking to the people around me for confirmation that my faith was alive, but in doing that, became complacent, apathetic, and ultimately ran away from the relationship I was trying so hard for people to notice I had. I realized that a lot of my identity was founded in the opinions of the people around me instead of being founded in THE founder and perfecter of my faith (Hebrews 12:2). I think we all know what happens to the man who builds his house upon the sand…(Matthew 7:24-27) The moment that I felt like I didn’t get that approval, my life hit a tailspin, and I fell into a pit of feeling worthless and self pity. I saw a flesh-driven, self gratifying side of myself that only sought the elevation of my status and reputation. The very ground that I was attempting to base my life upon began to shift and sway. I started to question myself and the intentions of everyone around me. The sand beneath my feet threatened to swallow me up.
When we seek fulfillment in the love/approval we receive from anyone except God, we will always end up feeling short-changed, cheated, and hungry for something more. The approval of man is inconsistent at best, and God’s Word tells us that, as Christians, we won’t have the approval of man. Jesus says that the world will HATE us (John 15:18-19). With all of that being said, why would I leave my worth in the hands of this world?? My creator deemed me worthy of His spilt blood. He looks at me and sees beauty. He calls me a son. I was bought with the highest price, and His love for me WILL NEVER WAVER.
It is when I embrace the identity that my Heavenly Father has given me that I truly find consistent worth. When I am grounded in Christ’s love, the approval of man seems silly and meaningless. And it’s when I’m am acting out of that place of love that I can truly impact the community around me. I don’t have to worry about what man thinks because I know what God thinks, and what He thinks of me does not change based on my inconsistency or merit. My worth was determined on the cross, and the sacrifice that Jesus made will forever be what defines who I am (Galatians 2:20). It is much easier to write those words than it is to live them out. Satan wants me to settle, and my flesh will seek satisfaction from things of this world, but the cornerstone of my faith, Jesus Christ (1 Peter 2:4-8), is always drawing me to Himself, and that’s where I always yearn to be.
My time in Costa Rica has been truly special, and the people that I have formed relationships with will stay with me forever. God has revealed to me so much about His character, and He continues to call me into deeper relationship and into deeper dependence with Him. I am so excited for the opportunity to spend the next three months in South Africa, and to continue to be Jesus’ hands and feet among the nations. I am forever grateful for the continued prayers and support. God bless and Pura vida!
