Most of those who know my testimony know that I received Christ in my life when I was 13 and began to be a part of many ministries. Few know that I came from a background of doing drugs and drinking to escape the things that tormented me. But I don’t think people know all or how deep of a pit that God brought me out of, including my parents because I never thought I could talk about it and when I knew better, God already pulled me out of it, had me to forgive them and myself.
As I share this please don’t look at me as a victim because I had become a participant even if I didn’t understand what I was doing. Also I now see where God intervened to stop things from happening.
At the Age of 8, I had watched my first porn. I was sitting at my kitchen table doing my homework and one of my brothers popped in a tape in the family room. I heard a weird noise so I looked through the window that connected the family room and the kitchen and my eyes were glued i didn’t realize what I was watching. Then being young and curious when I went to a friends house while being baby sat at my aunts house for a summer we tried some of the things I saw on the tape. Something that is known to people as 69, that I didn’t know what it was called or what I was really doing.
Then at the Age of 10 I stayed at my Aunt house again for the summer and that friend expected me to continue to do the things I had done before. My Aunt had begun trying to force me to eat and all she had was junk food. That summer I gained weight, and I mean really gained weight. That friend stopped being interested in doing those things and so there was a way to stop doing what I began to feel uncomfortable and not knowing if it was something wrong or just a weird feeling. but I never felt it was something to talk to mom and dad about.
When I gained the weight my mom put me on a diet and I don’t know any 10 year old who wants to be on a diet. so began the sneaking junk food (closet eater). Since I felt all kinds of urges to do things i didn’t understand, felt that my mom didn’t love me for me by putting me on a diet, I began to sneak cigarettes from my aunt who sat them down or left the butts around in ash trays.
Between the ages of 11-13 I would go to friends houses and we would sneak cigarettes from their parents and alcohol from their cabinets. It generally was hard liquor like vodka, gin, rum, or anything else we could find. I remember that we would always make sure we took a change of clothes so that we could wash the clothes we smoked in whether it was cigarettes or pot so that when we went home we would not smell of anything.
The summer before my freshman year one of my friends convinced me to go to a church drama practice with her. I still remember that day like it happened yesterday. I remember them all singing this song called”Jesus lover of my soul” and that practicing a bunch of dramas to make the production called “Champion of the Battle” (a lot of Carmen songs) it was on July 16, 1997 that was the day I excepted Christ in my life and my life was forever changed but the struggles did not end there.
When I was 16 I had a boyfriend that was 19 and I never told my family about him due to their views of different races dating. One day when I was in the gym trying to get fit my boyfriend showed up and at first I was happy to see him but that day he tried to force himself on me. he put his one hand down my pants and the other he ripped my top and was grabbing my chest and he was like “since you said you love me lets do this”. I asked him to stop and when he wouldn’t I kicked him in his privates and took off running. Later that day I made a promise to God that I didn’t want to kiss another guy till I know that I know He is the guy you have for me.
the following year I began to wear a wedding band for Master’s Commission and when it was over the Lord told me to keep it on as a purity ring.
in 2009 I faced having a stalker that wouldn’t leave my second job if my friends and I would not agree to go to a bar with him and if he heard where my friends where going to hang out he would show up. He knew where i lived due to being my boss at my main job at the time and when he continued to come find me when he was on sick leave from the one Job and he came to my second job or called me at one am I knew I had to turn it in.
There are nights I wake up from what I call nightmares as what seems to be porn playing in my head and I pray and ask the Lord to take it away from me and that the rest of the night will be peaceful.
I thank the Lord that I never went all the way as a child, I thank the Lord that I was able to get away from my ex, and I thank the Lord for protection from that boss that eventually left. I thank the Lord that the nightmares are no longer coming every night. I am thankful that when I came to Christ that I am a new creation and the things I did as a child are no longer a part of me. I normally only tell this part of my testimony when I am sharing with girls that are facing things like this.
One of the reasons I believe I am supposed to go on this new route is in countries like Thailand, Cambodia, and Burma(Myanmar) are some of the countries that are where Sex trafficking is the heaviest. I may not have been through things to the extent of these girls but I can understand the feelings that come from behind it, I have a heart to let them know what Abba Father says about them. That they have worth, that they are more then what life has thrown at them.
I am not proud of my past but I am so glad God brought me out of that pit, out of what it could have been and has called me to love on girls that are also in that place or worse.
