I have failed you.
Yes you read that right. I have failed you.. every single one of you. chances are if you are reading this.. you are one of the people I have failed.
Not in one of the usual ways you would think.. I haven't done anything wrong or hurt anyone (that i'm aware of) I'm not leaving the race early.. i'm still soaking in every second of this trip. No i've failed all of you in a different kind of way. In a way that I've only come to realize today.
This morning we went to a true Africa church.. you know how I know it is a true Africa church? It lasted 4 hours.. yup.. whew, but i loved every second of it! The first hour or so was worship in their language and then a lot of prayer. The pastor was talking about confessing our sin and listening to God and that is something I've been praying for. For God to open my eyes to the things i need to be confessing. To my short comings and the sin in my life. I found my mind wandering and I started thinking about what we have been doing this month and how much my team and I have enjoyed spending time at the prison here in Mozambique and all the young men there and what there future may hold. Whie wondering about this i found myself thinking about my cousin. I have a female cousin in Memphis who is in prison. She is only a few years younger than i am, she's 25, yet she has been in prison since she was 22. She made some wrong decisions and hung out with the wrong crowd when she was growing up (which most of us have done) which took her down a path of destruction. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time which lined her up with some crimes that she didn't do. Since she wouldn't confess guilty in court, she is currently serving a lifetime sentence in prison. It's a devastating story really… she had a really young son at the time and was pregnant with another child- a daughter- whom she gave birth to while in prison. My angel of an aunt as adopted both children now and has been raising them as her own for the past few years. Last i heard from my aunt was that they were trying to appeal to get my cousin a shorter term.. she told me that she definately felt that her daughter needed to serve a sentance to pay a penalty for the crimes she had done and to learn from the mistakes of her past.. but that she deserved a chance at a future and another shot to make her life count. As i was recapping all of this information this morning i realized how much I have let my cousin down. I am sitting in a church in Africa this morning with freedom to do pretty much as a please while she is in prison. You wouldn't think i can do much from this postition but i know God has given me a powerful gift. The gift of intercession. The gift of prayer. I am a warrior in His battle and I am supposed to be fighting for my family. I am supposed to be fighting for my friends. I think so often we count our prayers as useless. That they are heard but being one person, they wont have too much impact or power. Usually we pray for things in the moment.. things that hare happening right now. Or things we need. People we are face to face with. ..
A friend of mine who is a writer just went to Portugal for short term missions and writes some amazing blogs. (www.writerwill.com) We were writing back and forth and I ended one with "I'll be praying for you" About 5 minutes after I wrote that I was reading a few of his blogs and one was how us as christians use that term almost as a habit, a filler… with no real thought or sencerity behind it. And he is absolutely right. I felt like such an ass. Even though I think I really mean it.. or was this another one of those lies you make yourself believe because you feel guilty that you're called out?…Usually when people pass through my mind these days I try to stop and send a little prayer up to the Big Man.. but it isn't enough. God has given us the power and authority through His son Jesus and His name to pray powerful prayers. I don't know if any of you have read the book "Sun stand still" by Pastor Steven Furtick but I recommend it. It talks about praying huge and powerful prayers. This morning I was thinking about my family. All my cousins, my aunts and uncles. All the pain and the things they have had to go through in my life time. My aunt and uncle losing their son in a car accident and the pain and suffering they had to go through. A few of my cousins having children at very young ages and the difficulty of having to raise children while still trying to figure out who you are.. or even just raising children with no father. Family members that have struggled through drug and alcohal addiction. Cancer, heart problems, sickness, and divorce. All really difficult things that people go through.
I haven't been fighting.
I haven't been fighting at all.
I know all families have problems but I'm not ok with the fact that satan thinks he can get away with these things. But today i realized it's because I allow it to happen. Not me single handedly but I know that I have a part in this. I am in direct contact with my Heavenly Father. I am His daughter.. He is my father. Doesn't that mean that i have the right to come to Him on behalf of my family and friends? I should be fighting daily against all attacks towards them. I should be fighting for joy and happiness and peace for their lives.
My cousin that is serving life in prison.. shouldn't I be on my hands and knees daily praying for her? Praying for comfort.. for peace. Praying for overflowing joy in her Spirit regardless of the place she is. Praying that God can use her in devine ways while she is in prison. I am trying to think of how many times I have taken time out of my "busy" (hence sarcasm here) day to intercede on her behalf. Honestly..I am ashamed at how few it is. And how many times have I honestly prayed for her mother? My aunt.. A woman who fights daily. She is a strong, courageous woman. She has raised three beautiful woman and now is raising two more and helping with another grandchild. She walks strongly with the Lord and praises Him even despite circumstances. I am so proud of her and the example she is. She has needed my prayers more than ever and I have been so involved in my own selfishness that I haven't taken the time out of my days to even lift up a thought or an encouraging word her way in so long.
So this is me- confessing.
Im sorry to my family whom I have failed. I know you may not think so, but i have. All of my cousins, my aunts and uncles, my grandparents, my own parents and brother. I honestly will try harder to fight for you.
I'm not saying I'll be perfect and remember everyone everytime I pray, because I wont. But that is the awesome thing about the Holy Spirit. He is my helper and my advocator. When I don't know the right words to use, or exactly what God wants me to pray in certain situations, He is there to help me. In Romans 8:26 "And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words." THANK GOD.. seriously.. If it weren't for this I think we'd all be doomed. It's hard to know what God's purpose for everyone is, and whether or not we are praying in accordance to His wishes. Often times we pray in accordance to our own wishes and our own plans for our lives instead of what God's plan is. Just because we wish for certain people to be well again, or for certain jobs to come through for people doesn't mean that these are God's wishes. But even knowing that.. God hears and answers our cries. Our plea's for His mercy when we dont deserve it. I am so thankful for a God who knows what it's like to be human. Who has been through everything we have and knows the cries of the flesh. He knows our every failure, our shortcomings.
Thank you God for opening my eyes to ways I can show more of your love and faithfulness to my family and friends.
I have been chosen to fight in a battle.
Prayer is my weapon.
