And, I’m here—back home in America. It’s glorious and weird, overwhelming and exciting.
I can hear and understand every conversation, read signs and labels of every little thing.
And already, I miss it. Not the World Race, but the moments: eating coconut that hung from the tree moments before finding its place in my stomach, the laughter of the children that stole my heart, impromptu worship sessions where Papa spoke what I needed to hear when I wasn’t expecting it.
…
A week ago, I was preparing to leave for Project Search Light (PSL), and I was not excited. PSL is offered by AIM, and it’s similar to a debrief. It’s full of session, free time, worship, and opportunity to talk through this whole process called reentry. It’s so important that AIM helps cover the cost of transportation, hence the only reason I went.
Even when I missed my first flight, I tried to think of all the ways I could get out of going. Why did I need to go to a slew of reentry talks when I wasn’t struggling like some of my squad mates? I loved being home, and even thought I missed the moments, I didn’t miss them enough to relive them.
Nonetheless, a few hours later than expected, I found myself in Gainesville, GA. Papa knew what He was doing
He always does.
Moments after walking onto campus, I knew deep in my spirit that that was where I needed to be. A little over a year before I had stood on the same driveway with strangers, and in those first moments, I remembered those strangers were no more.
They were family.
I left the race with some bitterness and frustration towards God. I couldn’t see why I was chosen to miss a year of life back home. I was tired of the goodbyes and difficulty of constant 24/7 community.
PSL changed that. He didn’t show me all of the reasons why, but He reminded me of His goodness. Gave me new perspective. He removed all bitterness, and I was able to see the change He wanted in me.
I began asking Him as soon as I landed in America how I’d changed over this past year. And for three weeks, it felt like nothing. Someone might say a little something of his or her backhand, but nothing that made my mouth drop.
As soon as the first session began, the words continued to repeat themselves like an anthem: [transition from] a wallflower to wild flower.
And there it was.
The perspective I was looking for.
I knew over the past few years I was growing in boldness and confidence, and the next step, moving from the unseen to seen, required just that. I was gifted that nugget of promise and perspective with the expectation to do something with it. And, a majority of PSL consisted of total confirmation of what Papa was speaking to me.
I must take a step into the uncomfortable because I am no longer okay with going unseen. I’m also incredibly terrified of people seeing me.
See the problem?
Uncomfortable change must take place, and can’t not do anything about it. The final night of PSL, the speaker told us to challenge ourselves and pray bold, terrifying prayers over ourselves and one other person. Both the other person and I prayed the same thing over me: that I’d be okay with being seen.
Enter giant stomach turns that led to standing up in front of everyone and sharing what Papa was telling me.
I talked about Shadrak, Meshach, and Abednego and the original meaning of their Hebrew names, but other than that, I don’t remember because of how uncomfortable I was.
And sharing this specific blog, using the word Papa, and telling you how uncomfortable I am makes me nervous because it has potential to move the slightly colored label of generic from above my head and change it to something bold… and seen. It opens me up to a level of humanity that allows for misunderstanding and rejection. It accepts I have purpose.
It means I am stepping out into risk and expectancy that Papa will show up as the only reason for difference and change making. That’s uncomfortable, and it’s living everyday in the moment knowing He’ll be there. And that’s what life is for because we aren’t going to figure it out right away. There is always more.
I don’t know exactly what is next other than intentionally looking for what makes me uncomfortable and seen, growing in creative expression, and paying off student loans. It’s exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time.
If you want to keep up with me, e-mails and phone calls are fun! Or check out my Instagram @crysahnajoy to see what I’m up to. Thanks for keeping up with me this past year, and I hope pieces of my story inspire you to create your own story uniquely formed to who you are created to be!
