The previous month has been intense for me emotionally and spiritually. I made a decision to press in to the Word and commit to a lifestyle of consistent prayer at the beginning of the month before arriving in Cambodia. I would love to say that this time was full of joy and happy feelings, but it was actually a time of exhaustion, pain, and misery. I was never at peace, tormented in my sleep and dreams, and constantly questioning what was the truth and work God was doing in my life. I can joyfully say I have finally made it through the storm. I’ve conquered the mountain, and have found peace and joy in my Savior’s arms once again. Praise Jesus! But I would like to share my journey in the process. So here is a piece of my new heart-one that I feel God gave me while I was ministering in Thailand. I’m still learning how to move, work, and breathe with this heart.
(This is an excerpt from my journal earlier this month. I despise the thought of being vulnerable and broadcasting my inner most thoughts and feelings all over the web, but I felt so strongly that I should do it anyways. This is a piece of the journey God brought me on this month-my struggles, prayers, shortcomings, and brokenness. It’s pretty long and doesn’t have a lot of pretty pictures. I apologize for the grammar; I did a lot of my writing in the late night/early morning hours when I couldn’t sleep.
I find myself trying to disconnect or pull away from the children here. Sometimes I feel my heart is still trying to heal from the pain I felt in Thailand. Now I find that my heart is breaking for the children of Cambodia. Children roam the streets and my heart is screaming at me. I know it is wrong, but sometimes I just want to act like they’re not there so I don’t have to feel the pain of what their life must be like-the experiences, abuse, and longing they have endured.
As I pass these children on the streets, something grips my heart. My heart cries out to help them. I find myself wanting to give them all that I have. It’s so hard for me to look into their eyes. Is it possible to be broken more than I already am? I already feel a mess. Sometimes I feel like I can’t handle any more.
I found a pediatric hospital as I was riding my bicycle around town one day. I have always had a desire to work on the medical field in an impoverished area, and maybe even open a facility of my own one day, so naturally I had a pull to go check this place out. The hospital is completely funded by different agencies, charities, and foreign doctors. They provide free medical care to the children in Siem Reap and surrounding villages, including full dental care, lab work, and surgeries. It is also a teaching hospital for local Cambodians to study medical work. I was very impressed. I went to the office to check about volunteering during my time in Siem Reap, but after passing hundreds of children and families, sick and dying, seated on wooden benches waiting to be seen by a doctor, I found myself once again trying to block out the pain of what I saw. I couldn’t even look them in the eyes, as I was fighting tears myself.
Why am I so weak? Jesus never looked the other way. He never overlooked a woman or the smallest child, but he embraced and loved each one he passed along the way. So why am I reacting this way? Is this part of what the Word says about dying to self, so that Christ could be exalted even more in my life? Because that is what I feel, like I am dying. Why do I cry so much? Why do I struggle with understanding why things are the way they are in the world? Why can I not be strong enough to handle this stuff? Why do I find myself asking questions? Am I giving Satan too much room and glory in the wickedness and reality of the sin of this world? Am I not glorifying my Jesus enough and seeking Him enough even in the things like His beautiful Creation and children? I have lost all hope of trying to be strong. God has stripped away any pride I had in being a strong person. I am broken and weak. A wreck. Wrecked for Jesus? Maybe, but somehow I feel that there is more…that this is only the beginning of what it must feel like to be wrecked!
If I could just make it through another day… I don’t want to close off my hurt to become callused to the pain of this world, but I also want to know how I am supposed to cope with the pain of what is bottled up inside of me. I feel that more and more heartbreak is stirring in my soul, ready to blow its top. Like fizz bottled up in a shaken coke bottle, pain is bottled up in my heart ready to explode. Can I really cry enough? Will tears fix the problem? I feel so helpless.
God, I pray that you would reveal yourself to me in the small moments throughout the day. God, I don’t want to close off my heart. I don’t want a callused and hard heart again. I want your heart, but I don’t think I realized the pain that comes along with it. Do you find yourself constantly crying? How did you deal with the pain that was fired up in your soul while you walked this earth? How did you deal with the thoughts that constantly swarm your mind of your hurting and dying people? Can you meet me in this place? Show me how you would do it, God? Show me how to love with your heart? Cause I don’t know how. I don’t know how to love with your heart. I know how to love with mine, but it’s not enough. Teach me, God. I have pen and paper ready to learn…to be a student of how you walked the streets of this earth loving every person you came into contact with. Meet me in this place God. I’m broken. I’m torn. I’m falling apart. Yes God, I’m weak, and feel I’m no longer in control. I can’t control the thoughts and feelings. I can’t make it stop unless I want to go back to the person I was with a hard and callused heart.
God, I think about the moments that you climbed to the top of the mount to pray to your Father. I’m drawn to those verses as I realized they must have been pivotal moments in your journey. Is this where you released the pain and frustration you felt at the foot of the cross? Is this where you fell into your Father’s arms ready for Him to meet you in your longing and suffering? Is this where you found hope and strength, and learned how to walk in the Word and love of your Father in Heaven? Is this where you learned to become Kingdom minded and not focus or dwell on the evil in this world? I know this prayer probably sounds foolish to you, God. But I’m so hungry for answers, I want to know that what I am going through is you, Jesus.
At night, the spirit of fear and evil spirits torment me. Last night, a bird was flying at my face squealing with death in its eyes, as it got closer the face turned into an unexplainable demonized face, then another creature, then a rat with the face of Satan, then a serpent slithering ready to attack. Flying, crawling, and running towards me as I lay in the bed. At the name of Jesus, they have to flee!! Resting in complete peace that my Jesus is within me, and laying next to me, I know they cannot touch me or harm me. I know the power and authority I have in Christ. Tormenting continues, but I give it no place in my mind. Casting down every vain imagination or high thought that exalts itself above Christ. I rest in peace.
I need you Jesus. I need you more than ever before. I need your Holy Spirit to comfort me. I need you to be strong for me, cause I’m so weak and tired. I need you to be the one who comes alive inside me, cause I’m dying. Like cancer plaguing every cell of the body, I’m dying as if parts of me are just becoming black and falling off of me. I’m so broken God…broken, hurting, and dying inside. Fill me with your Spirit, teach me how to love. Show me how to get beyond myself and the things my flesh so strongly desires like comfort, security, complacency, and an easy life.
