in case you haven’t noticed, i haven’t been blogging much…or at all, really. i can rattle off excuse after excuse (and if you catch me on a bad day, i just might) but a big reason is because a lot of what i’m learning is too personal to share with the entire world*. external processor i may be, but i’m still a (semi) private person. something that i am learning about, though, is freedom.
i’ve been called a ‘ free spirit’ all my life and have been a person who isn’t exactly phased by boundaries. because of this, i tend to make bigger messes than most. when i fall, i don’t just trip and end up with a bruise; i crash and end up broken. i usually learn my lessons the hard way and i’ve grown accustomed to this because, well, i’ve honestly never experienced life any other way.
in the past, i usually struggled with guilt and shame but then i discovered that God loves me. immensely. and He loves me in spite of my crashes and burns of life. not only that, but He restores my brokenness and cleans up my messes, no matter how big they are. instead of wallowing in self loathing, He showed me how to walk in freedom. and now i live happily ever after, completely mess free…well, not quite.
i’m starting to see the other side of freedom. these past couple of months have been brutal. my junk has been surfacing and i’ve be in a constant state of “dealing with stuff”. part of me somehow enjoys the refining process, knowing that there’s Purpose in the purging. but there are still days when i’m begging the Lord to push pause or moments where i find myself repeating, “i know it’s Good. i know it’s Good…” through it all, He’s been showing me that He’s given me freedom. the freedom to choose Love over hate, Truth over lies, Life over death, Him over this world…but He’s also given me the freedom to choose the opposite. i have the freedom to choose hate over Love, to choose the lies over Truth, death over Life, the world over Him, and i’m beginning to feel the weight of this freedom. but here’s the kicker: by Him giving me freedom, He’s also telling me that He doesn’t want to control me.
God doesn’t want to control me.
2 corinthians 3:17 says that in the presence of the Lord there is freedom, not control. Not only that, but 2 timothy 1:7 tells us that we’ve been given a Spirit of power, love and self-control. self-control. ever wonder why one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control? when i’m filled with the Holy Spirit, one of the direct results is that i will be able to control myself.
wait…hold on…what?!
yeah, i don’t get it either. what i do know is that i’ve been given this freedom and lately it’s been kinda heavy. on one hand, i get to choose Righteousness and the abundance that comes with it. on the other hand, i get to choose sin and the Grace that comes with that.** yet, it’s with this second, more familiar option that i find is usually the more painful of the two. dealing with the burdensome consequences of option two has left me not wanting the freedom. sometimes, i just don’t want to choose if it means that i’m going to make the wrong choice. i’d rather Him control me and make my choices for me because history proves that i’m a terrible chooser . besides, He’s got a much better grasp on everything than i do.( i’m sure adam and eve thought the same thing.)
but i forget that i serve a God who’s all about the process. He’d much rather have me take a step and fall, than never take a step at all. it’s a win-win: i either get to fall flat on my face and experience the Father’s healing embrace as He tends to my wounds and gently helps me up or i get to walk and experience the Father’s loving and empowering embrace as He proudly congratulates me.
either way, i get to experience the embrace of my Father. and that, dear reader, is a choice i will gladly make.
much Love.
*yes, dear reader, the entire world reads my blog. no big.
**sinners get Grace. if you don’t know what i’m talking about, just read a letter or two from sir paul (the apostle…not mccartney.)
