There was this piece of my heart that I’ve been hiding from You for a while and a genuine fear that I was afraid to share with you. A fear that seemed really insignificant yet grand at the same time. It was this piece of me that believed if I confessed it then our relationship would change for the worse. It was a recurring thought that came up more frequently than it should have. It was a thought that I just didn’t know how to bring to you. After all, you’ve been so good to me how could I dare think this?
I grab my bible and journal and head to an overnight prayer night held by one of our great squad mates and I’m thinking I’ll be in there for just an hour because it was already late. I sit down with coffee, pens, paper, and some determination to focus and trust in you to give words of encouragement for the squad. As time passes I know that the time for doing that has came to an end and that we need to talk. So I buckle up and prepare myself for what I need to get off my chest. It’s a weight that I simply can’t carry alone anymore. Even though you already know my thoughts and aren’t going to be surprised but I still haven’t told you yet.
What if I don’t love you when things aren’t good?
Am I capable of still standing true to you when life’s problems inevitably hit?
My life has been uphill since I fully committed to you, what happens when it isn’t?
There, you finally know. I let out a sigh and I just wait. Silence.
Maybe you didn’t hear me:
What if I’m not a good Christian, what if I fail you? What if? What if? What if?
More silence.
What if you don’t?
You say back to me.
What if nothing you do makes me fall out of love with you?
I’m absolutely dumbfounded.
How do you even do this? How do you put up with humans all the freaking time? We’re so needy and undeserving. We’re so entitled without reason and mean to you every single day. There’s just no reason for it all? Why did you even create us?
Silence.
I love you, that’s enough for now.
I walk away, feeling a release because at least now you know. You know how twisted I am and how much I battle being on board all the time. At least now you’re aware that you indeed screwed up picking me.
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Several days later… I GOT SLAMMED WITH HARD NEWS. Some news in my family that is just hard to hear especially being away from home.
My heart is breaking. I walked through some heavy stuff in my own personal journey that I just don’t quite understand and I’m just a wreck. I’m overwhelmingly sad and they trust me to lead a group of people? What?!
I call my best friend and she says Cristen, The Lord desires us to come sit with Him in our sadness. Happiness was never intended to be the goal. He never promised happiness.
Dang, she’s right.
So I just accept it: right now I’m just sad.
So here I am, writing this to affirm you all that even living a life fulfilling pieces of my wildest dreams can still be difficult. I’m not on the other end of it so I’m not writing from a place of triumph and victory.
I’m sharing because in the midst of struggle and wrestling with The Lord
I can still say and believe that God is good and He is greater than any problem I tell Him about
Acts 17:26
And He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward Him and find Him. Yet He is actually not far from each one of us.
