Update: From the depths of despair.
So as I told you all, my last blog was a bit of a SOS and it was completely unprocessed thoughts.
I just had to get them out and wanted to share. Mainly because even though I have loved this journey and have expressed tremendous breakthrough and change I still struggle with fear and a desire to be loved/accepted.
HOWEVER
I have now processed those thoughts and allowed the Lord to speak into it and He has tremendously through scripture, speaking into me and other people and I have received great perspective and a newfound hope in this transition.
Does that mean I’m not afraid?
Heck no. I’m scared poopless but I’m equipped to do the thing afraid.
In last two weeks, I was presented this opportunity to go live with my best friend for the summer and work in their family business. Which sounds like an absolute dream, I know. My automatic instinct was to say YES and book a flight.
However,
I figured I should consult the Lord and ask for guidance. He says pretty clearly that He’d bless both options: Go to Idaho or stay at home. GREAT, Idaho here I come baby!
BUT, He pauses my mini-party, there’s more for you at home.
Ummmmm…. welllllll crap.
So He leaves it up to me to decide and I’m battling daily what my flesh wants is to go. If anyone knows me or knew me, you’d know that I use to identify as a runner. I ran from problems, pain, stress, and into pleasure! In whatever form I could find.
So as I processed this verbally and internally. I’ve decided to stay at home. Well because I feel it’s direct disobedience to disregard what the Lord said about the more part and honestly I wanted to. How much more could it really be? How much? Are the questions I asked every 30 minutes. It’s with my best friend! I could really really thrive for the summer.
Then I had to face to root of the issue, discussed in last blog, what am I so afraid of?
We all know I’ve lived a past that isn’t exactly conservative and holy. People that know old me live at home. I have made so many dumb decisions in my life both financially and personally and I have to own up to it and be willing to put in the work to the new type of community I desire. It’s gonna be work though and it’s not going to come quickly and easily and that scares me.
I’m afraid of having to work again and finding a job that I’ll actually enjoy. I have no idea where I’m going to work or how I’ll make money but let’s just say…… I want to be out of debt in one year so I need a miracle. So that scares me. Just stepping into embarrassment of where I’m at at 25 years old and a desire to not compare “success” between myself and others isn’t exactly where I’m at quite yet but I’m working on it because I wouldn’t trade this past 16 months for absolutely anything.
Needless to say, Home doesn’t seem like Home anymore but I’m determined to fight like heaven to make it one. After all, Home is where God is.
Looking forward to seeing all of you that are back home and diving into the unknown there. Any/all words of advice, prayers, tips would be greatly appreciate.
All the love <3
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PS.. Im still in need of $3405 to get this trip fully funded! Will you prayerfully consider giving $15, $45, $100 today (or any amount you desire) I would love to be fully funded before I leave the field. THANK YOU SO MUCH! The adopt a box is still going as well 🙂
