So I’ve been struggling the past few days. Struggling with financial deadlines. Struggling with work. Struggling with friendships. Struggling with the living situation for my pup, Macy, while I’m gone. Struggling with beautiful changes that happened within me at training camp that I didn’t think would ever happen for me. I mean that as in I’m so thankful that they did but I’m just trying to figure out where God wants me to grow from there. I’ve been struggling with trying to learn how to listen to God better and being still enough to hear. I’ve been struggling with God actually wanting to use me despite my past and believing that this is meant for me. Struggling with me having judgemental thoughts over things I USE TO DO (Like who do I think I am) towards people that are doing those types of things . I’m struggling with loving more like Jesus. I’ve struggled with devoting time to spend just talking with Jesus and actually having a conversation. I’ve struggled with prayer and what/who to pray about/for. Just ridding the struggle bus, ya know?
Then today happened.
During my devotional (which I usually journal pray) I was asking God, “How do I listen to you Poppa? Like how do people actually sit still enough to listen” I don’t know about y’all, but MY MIND GOES A MILE A MINUTE SOMETIMES. At first all I heard was “Be still!” and I was like “well yeah Poppa I know that but HOW? Are you sure that’s all you have for me today?” (Lol) then I heard
“Go outside”
So I grabbed my jacket, and headed out the door and as soon as I stepped foot outside a peace came over me. I looked around and I interpreted it as God is all and is everywhere. Even when my mind is racing, He’s in that. Even when the World never stops moving, He’s excited when we stop to spend time with Him. It was just me and Him this morning and I was determined to listen and I’m so glad I did.
Then I went to Hot Yoga tonight (shoutout to Tony and Anice Bishop for opening such a beautiful place) and I go there and it helps me spiritually rest. To center my thoughts, to relax my body and mind and just to be around such a positive atmosphere and today THE HEAT WAS CRANKED UP and there I was again struggling.. struggling to stay with the class, then my mind would wander, and I just want to stop and chug a gallon of water BUT then class was over and I MADE IT. At the end of class, they bring a super cold rag and lay it on you and as soon as it hit me, I heard “sovereign” and it brought me peace because I interpreted it as God just saying “it’s all good” As I was walking home the song, Never would’ve made it by Marvin Sapp came to mind and I sang it walking down the street and can I tell y’all I HAD WORSHIP right then and there. I broke down honey! If you’ve never listened to that song PLEASE give it a try! It’s powerful.
I got home and googled the word sovereign (lol) and read this “… God is in control” after a few sentences and Woah tears hit my eyes because He so is. He has such a beautiful plan for all of us if we just give in to it. If we would just stop asking Him every step of the way “Are you sure God” and have faith in Him and courage in the unknown because regardless He is with us though He’s probably giggling at us for being so scared when He knows as soon as we turn the corner there’s gonna be something grander than we could’ve ever imagined for ourselves waiting there. I can just hear Him now saying “See what I told you? I’m so glad you came” and I know that and I still struggle but my load got lighter today. My mind a bit clearer and my focus narrowed more on Jesus.
Please pray that I see God through it all. That we all do. That no matter the struggle, we serve a God that’s real and He’s there for us. He never promised there wouldn’t be struggle. He just promised He wouldn’t leave us in it and we have got to hold onto that. He cares about us so intimately. Know that He is sure and makes no mistakes.
