For so long I’ve associated admitting pain, either physical or emotional, as weakness. And I’ve assumed that when people see you as weak you are seen as an easy target. Thus, to protect myself and in order to continue protecting others I decided I couldn’t show weakness. So I said “I’m fine”.
I said “I’m fine” when I had just finished crying my eyes out in my room because of the hateful thing somebody said to me at work, I said “I’m fine” when I had a concussion and couldn’t see straight, I said “I’m fine” when really I’d just finished having explosive diarrhea for the third time that hour, I said “I’m fine” when panic and anxiety were threatening to overtake the stronghold of my mind.
I needed to be fine. Because fine is all I had. If I admitted that something hurt I was showing a chink in the armor. If I admitted there was a chink in the armor, I had to show vulnerability and God forbid, possibly even talk about my real emotions. Being fine was my identity. It protected me from others and protected others from me. I was terrified that my emotions would be harmful or inconvenient for other people.
And then the race happened.
I realized pretty quickly that there are many moments in life when I’m not fine. Most decidedly not fine. But by flippantly saying “I’m fine” I’m effectively putting up a wall between me and everybody around me that loves me. I’m not giving them the opportunity to know me, the real me, because I’m scared of hurting or being hurt. By saying “I’m fine” I’m stiff arming people and essentially saying I don’t want you any closer, so stop asking questions. Even bigger than that, my “I’m fine”s were separating me from God with my pride in thinking that I was strong enough to handle what life threw my way without Him.
How sad is THAT??
I no longer say “I’m fine”. I no longer allow myself to simply cover up the emotions (good or bad) with false niceties. I’m open and honest with the people around me because I truly want to know them and truly desire to be known. I no longer build walls between myself and God by pretending that I am strong enough to handle anything life throws at me and be “fine” without His help.
I’m not fine. But I’ll tell you what I am.
I’m free from the need to be fine, free from the need to perform in front of others, free from the constant nagging fear that at any moment a chink in my armor will be exploited by others, free from the fear that honest emotions will be detrimental to the health of others, free to pursue my relationship with Jesus without the fear of seeming weak, I am simply free.
I intend to live free and never go back to captivity.
Dancing in new found freedom,
Court
