March 2nd 2017 will always be burned in my brain as the most traumatic day of my life. On this day I not only should have died, I had my first angry moment with God.
This blog might be incredibly long winded as I recall this traumatic day but this blog is something I need to do. I want to share my story and possibly find more healing in my journey through writing this post.
Without further ado, here’s what happened that day….
March 2nd 2017 was just like any other day. Nothing was different. I drove the same, I felt the same, and my day was completely normal… except I got in a deadly car accident that I lived through. I was on my way to a musical practice coming from my house at around 6:15 PM. I was driving the same road I take to and from school everyday, the dirt road. Once I started on the dirt road it all happened way to fast. I came up over a hill and at the bottom there was a loose patch of gravel… that small patch of gravel took control of my entire vehicle. I ended up over correcting and the truck spinned 180 degrees and my truck flipped between 6 and 8 times into a field. I remember being in the vehicle as it stared to spin and I felt completely useless. As the truck began to roll I felt my body hit almost every surface in the truck. My head, my legs, my ribs, my stomach, my arms… everything. Glass shattered everywhere and everything that once was inside my truck was ejected from the vehicle into the field I rolled into… except for me because I was buckled in. I don’t remember much from the accident, but I do remember once the truck stopped rolling it was almost as if time stood still. It was quiet, I could hear the wind blowing, and I could hear my truck creaking as things continued to fall off or apart. The truck landed on the right side so I was dangling into the passenger side with only my seat belt holding me up by my waist. I remember trying to move my neck and back and not being able to. Panic set in. I started to see blood all over the vehicle. Blood on the windows, the floor board, my arms, my chest, my clothes, my hands, the roof. I started to notice blood trickling over my face and across my neck. I honesty thought I was dying. I started frantically trying to move or hold myself up in any way possible because I thought I was dying. I started to try to find my phone amidst my limited mobility. When I finally figured out I couldn’t, I just started silently sobbing.
“Why me God?” I sobbed, “Why am I dying?… I am 18 years old and I’m dying… why God? Why?? You have pushed me to pursue big things and be bold but now this?.. what? God what is your plan?? Why am I dying??”
Amidst my silent sobs I heard a frantic sweet voice,
“Hello?! Anyone in there?” she said.
“Help me!!” I cried out, “you have to help me!!”.
The frantic sweet voice called 911 and her husband grabbed my arm through the shattered window and tried to keep me upright as I continued to freak out until the paramedics came. The couple stayed calm through it all asking me questions, trying to keep me awake, and telling me to say prayers. That couple had seen the accident from the window of the house they were at and was on the scene seconds after it happened. They were my angels that night.
Once the paramedics finally arrived they cut out the back window of the truck and a man crawled in and laid under me and held me to keep me upright. The paramedics and police officers on site said that I was hyperventilating and screaming “I can’t hold on any longer!”. They then covered me with a blanket and cut the roof off to try to get me out. Once the roof was off they gently lifted me out, put me on a stretcher, and wheeled me into the ambulance. From the time of the accident to the time I was put into the ambulance it was about 15 minutes … which is a total God thing. The police officers on site were there in alittle over a minute and the paramedics were there not long after that. God was in the details.
While I was in the ambulance they put an IV in me, hooked me up to a monitor, cut all my clothes off to check for open wounds and did a full body check for broken bones and other trauma. In the ambulance I also overheard the driver ask the person next to him, “do you think she is going to make it?” And the guy replied “I don’t know, she’s at the very least seriously paralyzed.” Hearing that put me over the edge. At this point I still couldn’t move and I still saw blood and thought I was dying. I began to pray silently to God again, “God come down. God come down. God come down.”
Eventually I got to the hospital and after many trauma doctors and evaluations they found out I had a broken hand, some neck and back trauma, sprained ankle, wounds from the glass and hitting my limbs on stuff and many bruises. By the grace of God alone I avoided a concussion, being ejected, breaking my spine, being paralyzed, being killed and much more. I ended up staying a few days and nights in the hospital and had to go through some physical therapy. While at the hospital many people came to visit me including some deputies from the county to see if I was doing okay. After I was released with only a cast and a walking boot, I had a hand surgery. I now have scars from stitches and cuts, a pretty green cast, pins in my hand, minor neck and back problems, and anxiety.
Every day people still ask me how I am doing and everyday I still respond the exact same. I smile a huge smile and tell them “good!” Usually after a few questions and answers the conversation is left on a very happy and uplifting note. People like to hear that I am doing good, that this whole thing was a miracle, and that I will be completely healed soon… but what they don’t know is that behind the smile I put on my face, there is much anxiety. Alittle over a month and a half after my accident, my anxiety about being in cars has sky rocketed every single day. The more my body continues to heal… the more my mind continues to weaken. As I am writing this right now my body is shaking, my chest is tightening, I am sweating, my body is getting hot, and my mind feels like someone put a weight on my brain. Being in a car even as it is going 20 miles an hour puts my body into a place where I freeze. Some car rides I don’t feel anxious at all and I sing along to the radio but other times the only thing I can do is be silent and pray it out as my body fills with anxiety. Watching cars drive and get in accidents on TV makes me fill up with anxiety all over again. Thinking about my parents getting to work, my friends getting to school, and my extended family driving on the road makes my anxiety hit a whole new level. I should have died the way the truck rolled and the way my body was thrown around in the accident, so thinking about my family and friends getting in wrecks makes me extremely anxious. EXTREMELY anxious. I thought there was no way I could be in an accident that could kill me, then I was. I thought my family could never get in an accident that could kill them, but they could.
Satan has a way of pulling you down when you are already down and that is what is happening to me. After the accident while in the hospital my family and I rejoiced even though I still wasn’t doing the best at the time. As the doctors continued to tell my parents I was lucky to be alive and breathing, we rejoiced. As I began to walk again, we rejoiced. As I went in for surgery, we rejoiced. As I continue to heal, we rejoice. But what I am slowly finding out is no amount of physical healing or miraculous saving can change your mental trauma. Your mental trauma doesn’t change or heal with time, your mental trauma heals with different thinking. Instead of allowing yourself to fear the unknown and fall into deep anxiety and fear, you look up. You find where God is in the situation and then cling with your entire heart to his truth. In my accident the way the truck rolled, the way I over corrected, the way it landed, the speed I may have been going, and literally everything else about the wreck should have killed me. Not COULD have.. it SHOULD have. Jesus is alive! Jesus is here and everywhere.
Why is God having me go through such a dark path right now? I don’t know. Maybe he wants me to use this story in my travels or to help someone else. Could I have prevented the wreck? Probably not but I will never know. Will this change my life? Yeah for sure. Never again will I look at driving the same. This struggle I am facing is one that not many go through, but it’s one I went through and will overcome. I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but with God on my side this struggle will become a tool in my ministry soon. I honestly don’t know how to end this blog because my physical and mental healing is still in process, but what I do want to say is there is hope and God is here. God was in the truck with me, he is in this World Race journey with me, and he is in your darkest and brightest moments and journeys as well. God saved me and he can save you too. There was purpose in the pain and there will be triumph coming soon. Wow what a crazy life we live with JESUS by our side!
Dear Jesus, ?Thank you for your protection, your healing, and your comfort. I pray as people read this they will feel your great and glorious power, that they will see your hand in this event, and that they will see you in their lives as well. I pray you will enter my mind and remove my anxious thoughts as my mind and body continue to heal. I pray you will continue to use this story to impact others for your kingdom as I go on the World Race, as I go to school, and as I live my life day by day. Your a good good father. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus.?
Amen!
