I picture a mountain, a breathtakingly beautiful one.
It was orchestrated with Heavenly hands.
I‘m stuck at the bottom.
I’m in awe of His Creation, but I feel like I‘m falling apart.
You see this mountain is figurative.
It’s what The Lord built in my heart this month in a small village in Rwanda.
I‘ve fallen head over heels in love with each and every bitty bit of it.
I don’t know what to do.
I‘m at the path before the mountain on my knees.
How do you even begin to process falling so hard and so fast for a place and a people you never know you’ll see again.
Everything has changed. God wrecked me in such an unexpectedly lovely way.
I don‘t even know how to begin the path to revisit the mountain, the beautiful work He has done, let alone explain what I’ve experienced.
How can i go from holding hope in my hands to melting in sadness within seconds.
I don’t understand it. I can’t explain it.
For now I’m seeking Him.
I’m begging for Him to sit with me at the base of this mountain and fall into His embrace.
Hopefully someday soon He’ll give me His strength to stand back up.
I need God more than I’ve felt in years. I need Him so much right now.
It hurts. I hurt. It’s unbearable.
It feels like half of me is still there waiting for me to come back.
The idea of moving forward makes my feet drag even more.
I’m scared. I’m scared God won’t bring me back. I’m scared I’ll forget. I’m scared to lose it all. I’m scared of the idea of seeing the mountain behind me and not being in awe of it anymore.
Everything is different now. He changed and grew me in ways I never thought possible.
He erased plans that were beginning to take shape and replaced them with even bigger, intangible, and seemingly impossible ones that give me no choice but to have to trust Him to do it.
I’m broken, in pieces, and I’m falling apart, but at the same time I’m more alive than I’ve ever been. His grace has brought me here, right to this moment.
I think part of why I’m unable to begin the path of revisiting this mountain The Lord orchestrated is that I’m trying to carry burdens only He can lift.
When I try to stand, the weight brings me back down.
So for now, I will cling to Him.
I will set my eyes vertically and wait for Him to pick me back up.
The only way is through Him.
I am powerless and waiting.
In the waiting I pray to continue to see His blessings and love.
I pray for the patience in the waiting for His grace to glue me back together when I fall apart.
This is the best way I can explain where I am.
I am right in the heart of the unexplainable which belongs to Him.
My current solace:
“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
??Hebrews? ?4:16? ?ESV??
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
??Psalms? ?147:3? ?ESV??
