STUCK (2.25.18)
I. Am. Stuck.
I feel uncomfortable.
I feel trapped.
I feel overwhelmed.
I feel frustration.
I feel stuffed into a small crevice with the inability to breath.
I feel like I’m running against the grain and the resistance is getting heavier.
I. Am. Stuck.
Maybe this is what growing feels like.
Maybe this is part of the process.
Maybe these feelings and this fight in me is my pride.
Maybe The Lord has me at the brink of an awakening.
Maybe this is healthy and necessary.
I. Am. Stuck.
I’m used to peaceful solitude.
I’m used to independence.
I’m used to the freedom of coming/going as I please.
I’m used to recharging in isolation.
I’m used to living for myself.
I’m used to overfilling my plate with tasks and to-do’s.
I’m used to removing myself from discomfort.
I’m skilled at avoiding large groups of people and gatherings.
I’m used to loving the lovable and not intentionally pouring into the ones I find hard to connect with.
I. Am. Stuck.
I thought living with 41 other people would be okay.
I thought I could breeze right through this month.
I thought I would enjoy living in a large community.
I thought I could do this.
I. Got. Myself. Stuck.
The truth is that I’m trying to do this alone.
The truth is that I am nothing without God.
The truth is that I’m wrestling with Him.
The truth is that I’m really selfish.
The truth is that I will never be like Jesus without Jesus.
The truth is that I cannot love the broken without His heart.
The truth is that I cannot live with 41 people without His patience.
The truth is that I cannot be a light to others without a power source.
The truth is that I cannot live a life of humility if I continue to put myself at the top of my list.
The truth is that it’s not my job to judge my brothers and sisters, it’s my job to love them.
The truth is that it’s not supposed to be easy.
The truth is that I got myself stuck and the only one who can pull me from this trench I got myself in, is God. The catch is that He’s a gentleman and He’s ready to give me His hand and lift me up….but I have to ask for it.
I think sometimes I want to live in self-pity.
I think sometimes I want to throw an internal childish tantrum.
I think sometimes I want to stick my tongue at God and say “Nope.”
I think sometimes I want to cross my arms and refuse to be obedient.
The thing that blows me away is that throughout all of my disobedience and “flesh moments”, He is still there, He still loves me, and He will NEVER stop pursuing me.
That’s when it breaks me. The thought that I’m intentionally running from the one who loves me infinitely. I’m disobeying the one who rescued me from my brokenness. I realize that I’ve been so foolish.
I’m ready to be unstuck and grab the hand that’s been waiting for me.
