3.26.18
My heart hurts.
Some days I feel joyous and proud because just the idea of being on a mission trip makes me feel like I’m becoming more like Christ and doing a little of what I know the Bible tells us to do. Oh, my pride…
But am I really doing what the Bible says?
I sit here on the back steps of the house we’re staying at and I’m reading a book called Radical by David Platt that’s stirring up so many emotions and convictions.
I’m across the world with a 45lb/65L backpacking pack and a pretty full 18L day pack worth of stuff that I’m planning to live out of for the next 8 months and yet I see people washing their clothes and having to bathe in the river while I STILL have a shower (sure it’s a cold water, but it’s still a shower) , I have access to a stove and hot water for coffee, I have access to wifi (it doesn’t work well, but we still get to use it), I have an iPhone and iPad, I have 8 shirts, two pairs of shorts, two skirts, comfy black Capri pants, one pair of jean capris, as for food..even though we’re eating on $4/day per person we still have leftovers and I have personal money I could use and do use for almond milk, etc. or a sweet treat if I want one, I have hundreds of dollars worth of gear between my sleeping bag, sleeping pad, tent, water filter, hammock, etc. .. Then I scroll on my Facebook or Instagram and see all the posts (myself included) about the world race that paint this picture of everything being so joyous and exciting, when yes at times it is a fun and beautiful thing to be here and enjoy the culture and people and yes we are sharing the gospel and people are accepting Christ into their hearts (which is beautiful and it’s why we are here and that God is working through us and succeeding should be greatly celebrated- I’m not downplaying that at all) but the reality and heaviness I feel in this moment is that people are still starving, people are still living with so much less than I, people are hurting, people are living without hope, and people are living in poverty that I have yet to, and probably will never truly know.
We get to see our families in Chicago soon for a layover before we fly to India and we are talking about things we are sending home or things we want to get (myself included) and in this moment it just seems so sad that even in our pursuit to pick up our crosses and follow Christ that we can’t escape the luxuries.
And after these next nine months, I get to go home. I have a choice to be able to pursue a comfortable life with a degree I was extremely blessed to have received. A choice that the majority of this world doesn’t get. I am securely spoiled and it hurts my heart.
If your reading this and you’ve helped me get here and donated money for medicine, gear, etc. I’m extraordinarily grateful and appreciative for you. I hope you don’t think I’m not. I’m also extremely grateful for your support, prayer, and the fact that you’re even reading this blog.
I just see that I have so much still and it makes me wonder what I really gave up and how much I really depend on God within the confines of the comfort I’m still blessed with.
This heaviness is stirring up the motivation for action. I feel encouraged to give up more and take bold steps to freedom from worldly possessions and treasures. I want to live my life like Jesus did. I want my heart to be for Him and His Kingdom. I want to be stripped of my comforts and security. I want to know what it feels like to be truly dependent on Him. I want my metaphorical safety net to be my faith in Christ and nothing more.
I’d like to share an excerpt from this book Radical from Page 138
“I don’t want to be blind to these things in my own life. And I don’t want to leave Christ behind. I don’t want to pursue stuff–even stuff in the name of Christianity or stuff in the name of the church– and in the process miss Christ and the pleasures he alone gives in a life free from bondage to the possessions of this world. Ultimately, I don’t want to miss eternal treasure because I settle for earthly trinkets. “Where your treasure is,” Jesus says, “there your heart will be also.” The way we use our money is a barometer of our present spiritual condition. Our neglect of the poor illustrates much about where our hearts lie. But even more than that, the way we use our money is an indicator of our eternal destination. The mark of Christ followed is that their hearts are in heaven and their treasures are spent there.”
I want to be securely rooted in my faith and pursuit for Him.
I know I’m going to stumble and fall short. I know I’m going to be victim to the wants of my flesh. I know that Christ will continue to change our hearts to be like His if we seek Him, and that it takes time.
Today marks the day that I feel called to missions. A life not for me. A radical one that I truly hope glorifies Him. I don’t know what that looks like but I am encouraged to continue to abandon the luxuries more and more.
I encourage you to read Radical by David Platt.
