Be Still My Heart (2/12/18)
My heart eludes me. It seems to be one of those things, that I don’t realize how much I care for someone until I realize I won’t be seeing them again. It’s not until then do I truly feel the heaviness, the ache, and the tears.
We had to say goodbye to the sweet elderly ladies we have been spending time with today. We leave very soon to go to our next country (Dominican Republic) for Month 2 and with every goodbye I realize how deeply my heart was forming roots here.
Im going to miss going to visit all the spunky and sweet elderly ladies we visited each week. The woman I felt the most connected to and has my heart was the witty, silly, happy, sassy, and purely wonderful Alezeanne (pronounced A-Lee-zee-ahn). It completely broke me to hold her knowing I will probably never see her again in this lifetime.
The moment we met her she would bring you in close for a hug and dance with you with her own theme music. She has one leg and she is stubborn and won’t let anyone help her get around with her crutches, and if she is upset with you she’ll try to swing a crutch at you :), she likes to pretend she’s mad and then she forgives so quickly, unless your name is Landon. She and another elderly lady that lives there too, Larena (pronounced: Lay-Rene-uh) would playfully fight and get jealous of the friends the other one is making.
It was so much fun visiting them. We would sing and dance. We would pray and share verses. We painted rocks with them, painted their nails, and just sat with them. There was a language barrier but that can’t stop God’s love.
One thing I’m learning is that it’s a privilege to love deeply. It’s a gift to feel so connected to some one that it breaks your heart to leave. It’s a beautiful thing to be brought to tears when you know it’s your last time to be with someone special.
I never used to let myself feel. Before my relationship with God I would bottle things up, pride myself in not crying because I was “tough”, distanced myself from others to protect my heart, postponing my feelings because I was scared to feel them and frankly didn’t really know how to. In this new life with God I’m learning that feelings are beautiful. I also know that feelings demand to be felt. If they’re not felt when they come, they will eventually.. sometimes all at once if they’re stifled. I know the true reason why I can feel, why I care about others so deeply in such a short amount of time, why my heart literally hurts when I have to say goodbye or when something happens, isn’t my doing. It’s God’s heart. I get to feel a minuscule piece of how God feels about each and every one of us everyday ALL the time. That is a true blessing and one I don’t want to take for granted.
Ezekiel 11:19-20
And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them, I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in my statues and keep my rules and obey them. And they shall be my people, and I will be their God.
Psalm 17:15
As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness
They tell you that if it makes you sad to leave a country on The World Race, it means that you did it right.
Today I realized that I want my heart to be wrecked each month. I want to get so immersed in a culture and connected with the people God puts in my path that my heart breaks with every goodbye. I want to jump all in, love how He loves everywhere He puts me and use this precious gift He’s given me.
