God is love. We know this as truth.
We can learn about God’s character through scripture, and through the Holy Spirit that dwells within us. God is also hope, clarity, mercy, order, provision, redemption, grace, truth, justice, faithful, forgiveness, all encompassing, all sovereign.
During my time on the race I have continually prayed for the Lord to reveal Himself to me. To reveal His character, His will, His heart. He has walked me through refinement; melting away my tendency to idolize others above Him. Through forgiveness; seeing myself worthy of forgiveness, and as His beloved, pure daughter. Through redemption; revealing His will and purpose even in my brokenness. He’s instilled His joy and hope in my spirit. He’s provided healing, understanding, clarity, and gifted me with undeserving grace every single day.
God wants us to seek Him with all of our heart, soul and mind.
He desires our love, but He also calls us to love.
“Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven — for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.”
Luke 7:47
————————————————————
“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”
1 Peter 4:8
————————————————————
“Owe no one anything, expect to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.”
Romans 13:8
————————————————————
“Beloved, let us love one another for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.”
1 John 4:7
————————————————————
I have been loved SO well by many of you who are reading this. By my family at home who has selflessly supported this journey I’ve been on for 10 months (away from them). By friends who have done the same. By the children in each country who couldn’t remember my name, but ran into my arms anyway. By my squad mates who have seen the darkest parts of who I am, and still desire to speak truth into my life. By strangers who have opened their home up to us, and let it be ours for a moment in time. By strangers who gave generously. By your words of encouragement, hard truths, and kindness.
The amount of love I have received from the people in my life overwhelms me and is only a small reflection of how much He loves me.
He calls us to love.
How can I love well? How can I love you the way Jesus loves you?
To love, it must first be understood what love is, and what it is not.
Love is patient and kind;
Love does not envy or boast;
It is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on it’s own way;
It is not irritable or resentful;
It does not rejoice at wrongdoing,
But rejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things,
Believes all things,
Hopes all things,
Endures all things.
Love never ends.
1 Corinthians 13:4
Pause.
Read that verse again. We often skim through it, because we’ve heard it a million times. It’s truth. He is giving us instructions. Go on, read through it again, slowly this time.
Patience and kindness. I have strived to be more patient and kind throughout my life, and it’s always been an uphill battle. The Lord has been intensely working on this in my heart throughout the race. When I’m easily annoyed with my teammates, or say something before I fully think about it, my heart is convicted and I ask myself,
“Am I loving them well?”
Waiting and waiting and more waiting, because everywhere else in the world moves slower than the US. My patience fuse has always been short, but since I’ve had zero control of the circumstances surrounding me, I’ve begun embedding patience instead of limiting my capacity with it.
Does not envy or boast. I am surrounded by people full of Biblical knowledge, and I am envious. I desire to know all of the things too. I want to be the person who has scripture memorized, and can recite it anytime the enemy tries to feed me lies.
Is not arrogant or rude. I have a tendency to say hard things that people may not want to hear, or be open to receiving. I can be extremely direct, which oftentimes is perceived as rude. Some days, usually the days I don’t have my quiet time in the morning, I am bratty and pissy, which takes rude to another level.
In these moments I may not be aware of my harsh words. Later on, the conviction comes.
“Am I loving the way Jesus calls?”
It does not insist on its own way. If you know me at all, this is an ADULT-sized struggle for me.
Is not irritable or resentful. It is currently month 10 and I find myself getting easily irritated all the time. Then, I get frustrated with myself that I’m getting so easily irritated. Ultimately, my teammates are the ones who suffer, because I’m not pleasant to be around. Why am I getting easily annoyed? What is at the root?
Resentfulness. Harboring bitterness. Reflecting on past relationships, unjust acts I’ve witnessed, and the heartache I’ve experienced, but also the heartache I’ve caused. I am lost in a world of bitterness and resentment. If I stay there for too long, I will drown.
“What’s holding me in this world of darkness?”
It does not rejoice at wrongdoing. But rejoices with truth.
I highly value truth and authenticity. I strive to always be truthful, and push others to speak truth even if it’s hard.
“Wait, is this arrogance?”
Okay, so why am I pointing out my flaws, and all the ways in which I am not lining up with what love is?
During a conversation some of my squad mates and I had during debrief a few weeks ago, we were discussing healing. My friend asked a question,
“Is your receiver broken? Is it God withholding something or is something going on in your heart that is keeping you from receiving? (i.e. unforgiveness, identity, etc.).”
She was specifically speaking about praying for and receiving healing, but I believe the same questions could be asked regarding the ability to love.
To love FULLY. To love EARNESTLY.
I’ve been reflecting on this conversation for weeks and asking myself these questions:
Do I have an unsettled heart due to resentment, bitterness, or unforgiveness?
Do I see myself as worthy to have the ability to love as the Lord instructs?
Do I see myself as worthy to receive this deep love?
My initial response, “Lord you’ve walked me through forgiveness and healing, but could there still be more in my heart that needs to be brought into the light?”
Yes, there is unforgiveness and resentment.
I sat down, asked for the Lord to reveal and heal these things. A series of letters written to past relationships and friendships filled the pages of my journal; all of them healing some part of me. But it was in writing this last letter I felt the heaviness buried deep within myself release.
You knew me when I was born. You knew me through phone calls and letters. You knew me when I was 12 years old. When I was awkward and had no idea who I was or who I would become. You bought me In n Out, new clothes, took me to Catalina Island, showed me your office full of pictures from your adventures to Africa. You were trying to make up for lost time. So many conversations, and so many hours of silence. I remember the way I felt, and even at that young age feeling the heaviness of your sadness, loneliness, and hurt.
Was it my fault? Did you not want me there?
Lies upon lies affected my life, and yours.
Jesus spoke truth over my worth, over your life, over her, over the abandonment, over the hurt, over death. Your worth doesn’t lie in who you were to me. You are a beloved child of God. I’ll never know if you were told that or believed that. I wish I could of been the person to tell you that, to show you the light and hope we have in the Lord. Maybe things would have been different. But Jesus needed you. You’re at peace, with all questions answered, all pain wiped away, and forgiven.
Dad, I forgive. I love you.
Broken trust, broken relationships, a broken heart, over and over again. Unforgiveness and resentment. The root cause; the abandonment I felt by my dad. The gift; my Heavenly Father has walked me through parts of my life in which I felt abandoned, and revealed where He was in each of those moments. He never left me. He will never leave me. I am no longer a slave to the spirit of fear and abandonment.
He loves me fully.
I am whole in Him.
I [can] love others fully.
Love bears all things,
Believes all things,
Hopes all things,
Endures all things.
Love never ends.
Everyday when we wake up, let’s sit and ask the Lord if there’s anything keeping us from loving fully.
Do you have an unsettled heart due to resentment, bitterness, or unforgiveness?
Do you see yourself as worthy to have the ability to love as the Lord instructs?
Do you see yourself as worthy to receive this deep love?
“You’re blessed when you get your inside world – your mind and heart- put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.”
