I had my 30th birthday last week in Nicaragua. I celebrated with 34 people that I used to call strangers just a few short months ago and now call my family. I felt incredibly loved and overwhelmed with the Lords faithfulness.
During these 11 months on the field most squads only have 1 month where the entire squad is living and ministering together, which is what we had in Costa Rica. However, this month in Nicaragua we have another all squad month, which I am STOKED about. Our first 2 days in Nicaragua we had a Mini Debrief where we took a break from ministry and squad members were offered a slot session to teach, share, and pour into one another. I hadn’t put much thought into signing up to teach a session, simply because I didn’t feel I had anything specific to offer. During our last week in Costa Rica on the walk home from supper one night I was asked,
if I had to lead a session, or share what the Lord is currently teaching me what would it be, and would I do it?
No.
My immediate answer was no way; what I am currently walking through with the Lord is hard, really hard, and there’s no way I would be able to share it without crying or breaking down in some way. Who likes sharing your heart and crying in front of a whole bunch of people? Nope, I’m good.
Then I was asked, Okay, so what if you do? What if someone else got up to share and cried, would you think any less of what they’re saying?
Insert eye roll.
No, I would actually be extremely proud of their boldness and willingness to share and be vulnerable. BUT I’m still not doing it. If you know me at all, you know I can be super stubborn, and honestly I am the same way with the Lord sometimes. However, if I felt Him calling me to teach, I would.
I went to sleep with that specific conversation running through my mind and at 3:30am I woke up with a vision from the Lord. It was me teaching and sharing my testimony, which immediately gave me the urge to throw up. Jesus, are you serious? I have to share MY story?! Can I share about someone else, perhaps someone in my family or one of my friends at home? Then the power flickered on and off. Ok, Jesus. Got it, loud and clear, I will share my story. I stayed up for several more hours dreaming of what this session could look like and asking the Lord what he wanted to do with this space.
Fast forward through our last week of ministry in Costa, two travel days to Nicaragua and it’s October 9th, 2018 and I’m teaching my session on the Freedom Found in the Light on my 30th birthday. Look at God.
But first let’s talk about how precious my entire squad is. I walked into breakfast and everyone burst into singing happy birthday followed by a mini dance party. Everyone knows one of my top love languages is physical touch so my hair was played with, my back scratched, hand held, and so much hugging all day long. My heart could literally explode because these people love me so well. Each one of these humans made me feel so special, valued, seen, and made turning 30 one of my favorite things.
Freedom Found in the Light. Imagine this:
All 25 girls on my squad are sitting in a circle underneath the pavilion as the sun starts setting, surrounded by 70 acres of lush farm land and volcanos.
Deep breath, cast out any fear or insecurity and let the Holy Spirit lead. During our last debrief we were taught on vulnerability and how it’s a choice. Imagine you are inviting people into your home, you walk them around showing them different rooms, but closing off some doors and hidden holes of who you are and what you’ve done. When we choose to show these dark places, we are declaring they no longer hold power in our lives. The Lord asked me to bring the girls of my squad through my home, showing them all the dark places and holes in my life.
This is where Jesus is healing and working, this is my current fire, this is my shame.
Afterwards I was called to share some truths the Lord had given my friend to speak into my life and I felt needed to be received and shared amongst these women. Making it through all of this with only shedding a few tears was literally an answered prayer.
Towards the end of my session I opened the floor for anyone who felt the Lord place something on their heart to share during this time. What happened next was completely unexpected and 100% Holy Spirit. One by one this new family of mine started walking us through some of their darkest rooms.
At first it’s hard to see the beauty of sharing your deepest, most hidden secrets or hurts, but once they are in the light it can no longer have a hold on you. In the light, Satan no longer has a hold on you, you can walk in freedom, and you can walk in confidence of who the Lord says you are. We are told our whole life Jesus can break all of our chains, which is absolutely true, but my personal struggle has been letting Him break these for me.
Showing Him and releasing all control to Him. There were some huge chains broken in our little Nicaraguan oasis. My prayer is that my world race family is not the only ones who experience this freedom. My prayer is for every person I know and love to hear and receive these truths from our Father and walk into the light.
Lord I ask you to speak each of these truths so that they may see them self as you see them.
I am holy and pleasing to the Lord
Jesus is proud of me
There is nothing too big for him to forgive
He died for everything in my past and future
This is not the end for me
I am not uniquely bad
Jesus is not ashamed to be seen with me
What happens proves that my heart works
I long to be loved and cared for and I will not be ashamed
I am lovable
I am not too far gone
You and I are no bigger than the cross
Your life is not over
This does not speak of who you are. This is not you
You did not ruin Gods plan for you
You did not ruin someone else’s life
It is not your responsibility to heal the other person
You don’t have to live in shame
You are royalty
His yoke is easy. His burden is light
He finds joy in me
He never walked away
He wants to give me an abundance of healing
He loves me to no end
