I Choose You First

I choose you first,

But then I don’t really.

I get caught up in the motions all around me and my emotions get the best of me.

“I choose you first,
But not in this God.”
At least that’s always my response.

I choose you first,
But in reality I already have made up my mind to go my own way.

I choose you first,
But your way is uncomfortable, so I’m not interested.

I choose you first,
But then I fail to live like you have poured out your life for me and nailed you heart to the cross for my transgressions.

I choose you first,
On things that are easy.
In the hard moments…
Oh, let’s not even talk about those
Because they don’t exist.

I choose you first,
But I walk around like everything is perfect even though I’m the farthest from perfection.
I struggle, but I cease to admit it.
I don’t have all the answers, but I refuse to confess it.

I choose you first,
But I stumble upon my own feet and fall face first to the ground.

I choose you first,
And even pour my heart out to you.
But just like the wind that comes and goes I forget how imparitive you are to my life.
I forget that you alone have given me breath and you are what I live my life for.

I choose you first,
But not now.
I don’t want to let go and surrender it all to you.
Not in this situation, it’s too painful!
So, I’ll just handle it by myself.

I choose you first,
But I let the little distractions in life become more than a mountain.
I blow things out of proportion.
I freak out.
I cry.
And I still come back to you in the end.

I choose you first,
In theory that is,
Yet I constantly build my own idols that I worship and find my identity in.

I choose you first,
That’s my outcry Lord!
That’s what I really want!

For real this time…

Oh Papa, I don’t know how!
I don’t know how to choose you first.
I don’t know how to deny my flesh and desires.
I don’t know how to spill my heart out at your table sometimes.
I don’t know how to process heart wrenching and beautiful things.
I don’t know how to be ok with not being ok.
I don’t know how to embrace my emotions.
I don’t know how to be content with crying about what’s on my heart.

Oh, my good good Father
I know not of these things!
I want to choose you first,
And not just say it.
I want to sacrifice all I have to live like you are number one in my life.

I choose you first,
Not because someone told me too.
But because what we have Father is more valuable than earthly things.

I choose you first
Because I know my identity is found in you and you alone.
Not these worldly necessities that sometimes look so appeasing.

I choose you first this time
Because I have chosen you second many other times and look where that got me.

I choose you first
Because my “yes” is “yes” and my “no” is “no”.
This time I said “yes”
And you have created me to be a women of my word.

I choose you first
Because I’m tired of feeling so distant from you.
Like you are so silent.
I’m tired of being confused and uncertain of your voice due to loud distractions that try to mute you out.

I choose you first
Because you alone saved me, brought me out of my pain, and are creating a new work in my life.
For I am no longer my old self, but I’m a new masterpiece in Christ.

I choose you first
Because you are good, holy, just, pure, and trustworthy.
I have full belief in you and all your promises to me.
If I really believe that, then letting go and surrendering all is something I will do.

I choose you first,
Because I’ve seen you work.
You move mountains with your breath.
One blink of your eye breaks chains,
One touch of your hand provides healing,
And one whisper to my heart flips my whole life upside down.

I choose you first,
Because I’m running the race that you have set out for me.
Both literally and philosophically.
I’m running it well with intentionality, perseverance, and determination to complete it.

I choose you first,
Because you knew me before I was born.
You knew my heart, character, what makes me tic, and what brings me the most joy.
You knew my struggles and my times of triumphant victories.
You knew the day I was born and the number of hairs on my head.
You knew when I would worship you wholeheartedly with freedom and faith,
But you also knew the times where I would smack, spit, yell, and deny you.
Yet in the midst of it all you still loved me.

I choose you first,
Because I learned from you, Father.
You taught me how to choose you first.
Just like you’ve chosen me first long ago.

I choose you first,
Because all else failed and I have nothing left.
I disappointed others, fallen into Satan’s traps, and acted ungodly.
Yet you still pick me up, put a smile on my face, and call me your precious child.

I choose you first
Because my heart longs for you!
My shoul burns with desire to follow you faithfully all the days of my life!

I choose you first
Because you are all I really need.
You’re the only one that can fulfill my deepest desires.
You’re the only one that can calm the raging storms in my life.
You’re the only one who is faithful to me, always.
You’re the only one I don’t and won’t ever disappoint
And you’re the only one who loves me more than anyone else could.

I choose you first,
Because I can’t help it.
You stole my heart and written your name on it,
Marking me yours for the rest of my days.

I choose you first,
Because I give you my all.
I surrender it all at you feet in the throne room.
I trust you with my heart.
Even those broken pieces that are still scattered all over the floor;
Pieces I may or may not know anything about.

I choose you first
Because I am a child of God
And you are my Father.

I choose you first
Because you ignited my heart aflame.
I once was a spark, but then you anointed my head with oil and overflowed my cup.
You said I was “chosen”.
You called me “enough”
And I believe you.
You gave me a passion, desire, and love for you that recklessly tares down walls, chases after you, and deeply longs to see the nations singing praises to your name.

I choose you first
Simply because you’ve asked me to.
You’re testing me.
You’re refining and testing me with fire so that I can be made new and pure.
Choosing you and surrendering all is part of the process of testing.

I choose you first
Because I can hear your voice.
Like a sheep that knows it’s shepard’s voice,
I am like a daughter that hears clearly from the King of Kings.

I choose you first
Because you are worth it.
You are worth all of my praise, all my love, all my sacrifice, all my devotion, and all my focus.

I choose you first
Because you’ve graciously given me eyes to see from your perspective.
Now I’m able to see a little part of what you see.
Now that I see from your perspective
I’m able to have hope for the future and excitement throughout every season of life,
Even the hard ones.

I choose you first
Not because it’s easy,
But because it’s the exact opposite.

I choose you first,
Because I want you to always and forever be the number one in my life.

I choose you first,
Because you’ve asked me to
And I am obedient to your commands.

I choose you first,
Because you chose me first.
And I love you Papa.

I choose you first
Because I made a promise to you long ago that I intend on keeping.

I choose you first,
Because you are all that I have.
You are the beginning and the end.
You never let me down.
And what we have is so precious
That I don’t want anything else to steal it’s place.

I choose you first,
For real this time.