In the beginning God called us good. He called us good and He said that He loved us first even before we were created (Ephesians 1:4-5). We didn’t love him back though. Instead we rebelled and tried to distance yourself from our creator even though God sat there all day long opening his arms to us (Romans 10:21). Just like Jeff B. Pool explains in his article called The Heart of Christian Confession, God loved us first and it’s our decision whether we accept that invitation or not. For me, amidst the hardships in my life I was finally able to accept that invitation. I was able to accept the fact that God loved me and because of my love for God I’m able to love others.
Earlier this week we went to monk chats again. I really look forward to participating in monk chats, but this time it was different. There was a man from England there who lived and volunteered at the temples. As I was confessing my faith with one of the monks he started to counter all of my statements. I sat there as he started to debate with my teammates about theology, asking several questions, trying to prove us wrong, etc. The sad thing was that this man use to be some sort of believer but after pain, hardship, doubt, and searching for answers in the wrong places he was devoured in his pain. He wasn’t able to welcome the Good News because the void that he had in his heart (Romans 10:16). As I heard his counters that were rooted in pain I was able to see this man as someone who had unanswered hurts. I wasn’t upset at him for how he treated my team and I. My heart just ached for this man! Even though he hated God I was able to love him the way Jesus loves him because Jesus first loved me. After everything that happened I felt the Lord calling me to share my testimony with this man and simply just love him instead of debate with him about theology. The Lord showed me that this man doesn’t need scripture thrown in his face but he needed someone to be willing to step into vulnerability with him in order to show him God’s love. So, this is the letter I wrote to him (Nate is his fake name); this is my confession of faith.
“Dear Nate,
I am writing to you in order to share something personal with you. I want to share something personal with you because this is how I found answers to life’s biggest questions. I know I’m not the smartest nor the most experienced, but I do know this…I have gone through a lot in my lifetime and all of that lead me to Jesus.
Last time we talked you posed great questions, stated your opinions, and sought after the truth. I hope that when you read this it give you better insight as to what you are looking for in your heart. Like I said, I’m not theologian, expert, or brilliant human being; I’m just a girl with a story who loves to help others. This is the story of Courtney, this is my story:
I was born into a big family. I’m the oldest child and I have three younger brothers. I remember from a very young age being abused by my father. You see, my father has type one bipolar where he feasters his anger and rages. Pretty much all my childhood memories are either filled with memories of him beating me until my legs were black and blue and I couldn’t walk or being cussed out in anger or being fearful to be around my father or being afraid of just being myself. Then there were my brothers. I always felt the need to take care of them, love them, and protect them. They were my baby brothers and I was the oldest. So, when my dad tried to beat them or hurt them I begged my dad to beat and hurt me instead. I tried to sacrifice myself so that they will be kept safe, unharmed, and that their hearts wouldn’t be poisoned by his treacherous ways. My dad still ended up beating them as well no matter how hard I tried to prevent it. After years and years of my dad’s abuse my mom was finally able to muster up enough courage to divorce him and move out of state with all of us.
When we got to Illinois all four of us children and my mom stayed in one bedroom inside of my grandfather’s two bedroom condo. We came up here with nothing. You see, even back in Florida (the state I grew up in) my family was bankrupt, but I didn’t know that. But when we came to Illinois my family was left with nothing but the clothes on our back and my mom didn’t have a job. In fact, we were so poor that my mom couldn’t even walk into the store to buy us bread. Lucky for us, my grandfather stepped into help us. He ended up paying for our food, lodging, and even our schooling too. My mom finally found a job, but she didn’t make much. We lived with my grandfather for around 8 months. When the end of the school year came we found out my grandmother was getting sicker. She was living in St. Louis at the time with my aunt getting treatment for ovarian cancer. My grandfather had no choice but to sell the condo to move in and take care of her.
After he left to go take care of her we were left homeless. I remember being in school getting made fun of for how I looked, how I dressed, and for all these silly things. All the thoughts that clogged my brain had to do with how to take care of my family and it was so hard for me to just focus on school. There was a time that things got so difficult for my family that I told my mom I would quit school to get a job in order to help make sure that my family was taken care of. Although, my mom told me that she didn’t want me to quit; that we were going to make it by God’s will and that she wanted me to live a good life. To be honest, that was hard to hear when everything around me came crashing down. There were multiple days I stayed up listening to my mom sobbing herself to sleep and times where my mom would skip meals so that we can eat. It was hard to trust God, but I trusted my mom because I knew she loved me and she didn’t let me down.
From there we got into a program called Bridge Communities. That organization provided housing, financial counselors, and tutors for my family and I. It was probably one of the first times I was able to focus on school because I wasn’t so worried about my family’s well being. A year after we got into that home on October 3rd my grandmother lost her battle of cancer and passed away. Then thirty days later my grandfather also passed away. My grandparents deaths broke my heart and it was a hard pill for me to swallow. Then my dad still continued to cause problems during his visitations with us. There was even a time where he threatened to put me in jail and blame me for what he did to me because of the pain that percolated in his heart. There was also my mom’s college friend who came back into our lives and caused several problems, especially for me. At first, I saw this man as my father figure because I was so broken and desperate to fill the hole in my heart that my biological dad created. This man wasn’t a nice man either. He treated my mom badly, started to act creepy to me, threatened my boyfriend, etc. He eventually moved but left me to pick up all the pieces he had damaged. Honestly, during this time I walked away from the Lord. There was so much going on in my life. I was homeless, my dad abused me, my grandparents died, this man in our lives mistreated me, my dad was still caused so many problems for our family, etc. It felt like none of it would stop and I wanted it to. It wasn’t long until I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and put on medication. I was so done with life and I blamed God for all of it. I tried to commit suicide, but I just couldn’t. Something in me couldn’t force myself to do it. I told God if he was there he needed to save me.
I didn’t know that prayer was something that would changed me. I didn’t trust the Lord and I didn’t know if I would fully trust him again. My junior year of high school my boyfriend and I broke up. After that I realized how I searched for my identity in men or in school or in materials, but nothing was fulfilling. Nothing satisfied my soul or gave me answers. I woke up one day and decided that I didn’t want this to be my life. I didn’t want to live off of medications, I didn’t want to live in uncertainty, and I didn’t want to have that empty hole in my heart. Everything ended up at a dead end. Until I met Jesus…actually met him. I started reading the Bible, but to be honest I didn’t think I was going to find what my soul was searching for. Senior year rolls around and I got a terrible case of mono. For 6 months I was in and out of the hospital. I relapsed multiple times, had to draw blood every week, I couldn’t go to school, and I couldn’t do anything but just sit there. In that time of pain, is where I found truth. That’s where I found the Lord. I started reading the Bible more regularly, finding out who God is for myself, and searching for more of the truth. That’s where I was able to experience love and find out that I am so deeply loved. I found that the truth is God loved us so much, that’s why we are here on this earth: to love. That’s why he died for us; He died simply because he loved us even though we don’t love him back. I found that yes he died to carry all of our shame, pains, hurts, and sins on his back and that we are free to walk in joy and who we are instead of being held down by this hard life we live.
As soon as I got better I decided to take a trip to the Dominican Republic. Man, did that change my heart. I’ve realized that there is people all over the world that need help. People everyday that are dying of sicknesses and looking for the truth. People who are experiencing tough things. In the Dominican Republic is where I found out that God didn’t create bad things to happen, Satan did because he wants to take away what the Lord loves the most in order to defeat God; He wanted to take us away from God because God loves us more than anything. That was the trip I realized I can’t just stand back and let Satan destroy everything in other people’s lives. I can’t sit there in my comfort. I had to step into the uncomfortable. Other things happened in my life since then. I’ve had relationships that didn’t end well and hard decisions to make.
Why do I tell you all of this? I tell you this because you asked a good question. You asked why bad things happen in the world. Bad things have definitely happened to me. I’ve been through so much pain, hardship, and heartbreak in my life. But you know what? I wouldn’t change it for the world. Yes, what happened to me and how I was treated was terrible but that wasn’t God. Instead, God rescued me from that and picked up the broken pieces of my heart that were shattered all over the floor. I tell you this because our stories are powerful. Because I’ve walked through hardships in my life I’ve been able to help others who have gone through the same things, I’m able to look into the eyes of one who is abused and feel empathy towards them, I’m able to help the homeless, I’m able to inspire others, I’m able to give people a fresh start, etc. As a result of my story I’ve seen lives changed Nate. Lives changed not because of me but because of God’s goodness in my life that he rescued me from that and made me a new person. I’m not that depressed, angry, hurtful person anymore. I’m able to help people, love others, and enjoy my life because I was able to experience love for the first time; that is the love of Christ.
I’m not writing this letter to you out of disrespect or to change your mind. What you believe is what you believe and I respect that. I just wanted to share my story with you because maybe it will answer some of your questions. My story is something personal and true. It’s what has made me into the person today. I wanted to be vulnerable to you because I want to show you how I have felt love so that I can love you well as a human being. More than anything, I want you to know that you’re loved.”
