First off, I wanted to thank everyone for all the encouragement and love that has been shown to be especially since I have joined the World Race. It’s been such a blessing getting to know all my teammates and being able to have people partner with me on this journey either through prayer or financial donations.
A couple days ago I wrote this post. You can read it if you want but this post is probably going to refute all that was stated in that post. I wanted to openly apologize first to everyone who is supporting me, has supported me or is going to support me. I feel that I have given off a negative vibe about the direction that He is leading me. I know that I love Uganda but I also know that this season is meant to be for the World Race and not just my time but also my thoughts. I feel that although I have tried to live present I have failed. I believe being open and honest to all of you with what I am feeling in my heart is important but that also I have an accountability I have to take. Sure, I may still be feeling a certain way but I have the choice to change my attitude about it.
In my last post I said that this journey is going to be hard. I am still sharing that statement but what I have noticed is that instead of trying to change it I just feel sorry for myself. I sit and think of all the things I have to do and instead of just getting them done I worry about how I am going to get them done. I reflect on all the things I am going to miss about Uganda instead of being thankful that I have even been as many times as I have.
I am all for making your life what you want to be and I believe that wholeheartedly He has changed my life for the better. He has given me amazing opportunities that I wouldn’t have had if I didn’t follow Him. He has changed the very big details down to the very small. He has changed my perspective of what I want to do with the life I live through the examples of the people in Uganda but I don’t think that I give Him enough credit for that. I don’t believe that I am thankful enough.
Now don’t get me wrong I don’t that there is a certain token of thankfulness that you have to reach to be considered thankful. But I believe that there has to be a sense of it somewhere. So instead of doubting, fearing, missing, wishing or hoping in this next season of my life, I just want to be thankful. I want to find joy in the small things. I want to love more. I want to spend more time with people instead of screens. I want to build relationships and serve more. Because I am thankful. I want that to be evident.
I am thankful for this short life I lived yet so far and for the things that will be happening in my life. So instead of complaining or feeling sorry for myself I am going to change my attitude to one of thanks. I am going to take everyday in like a blessing. I am going to realize that not everyone has the opportunities that I do and that in itself should be a reason I do not complain. I am very humbled when I look at the last three years of my life because every trip that I have taken, every relationship that I have made has been because He has made it happen. I would like to take credit but when I do that’s when I start to complain that’s when I start to feel sorry for myself that I am not where I want to be at the moment. Reality check, Courtney. Your life is full of blessings big and small. You have had oppurtunies that are once in a lifetime. Embrace them. Focus on the good things and just stop complaining.
So with all that said I just wanted to formally apologize to all of you reading this and even the people who are not reading this. I have not showed my gratitude towards you or the One who created me. This is also my promise to you that when I do feel these times of doubt or feeling sorry for myself that I will try my best to captivate and deal with them then and there. I won’t let them linger. I will take my thoughts & actions that follow captive. I will choose joy.
P.S. A special shout out to the people who have dealt with me directly on this. Thanks for listening and being full of grace even when I was being ridiculous. I am so very thankful for the people I have in my life and the ones that try to encourage me even when I am not accepting it. You are the reason I realized this and you are the reason I posted it. So thank you. You mean the world to me.
