This last month I lost the fire, the passion, the drive. I lost all motivation to make this adventure something. I let my expectations creep in like they were all I depended on. I put so much hope and satisfaction in what I thought it was going to be like and then when it wasn’t I rebelled against the One who set it up for me.
I was selfish. I chose into the negative thoughts I had about ministry. The negative thoughts I had about why I was on this Race. I thought about the plans I had and not the plans that the Lord had for me. I came off an amazing month in Ecuador with comforts and enjoyment that I didn’t have to work for, but came naturally because it was something I enjoyed. I was selfish in that I allowed my previous experiences to make my heart hard and my spirit un-teachable.
I lost the fire for the Race, for the community, the new cultures and for Jesus. I came back to our host home every night only to go hide in my room escaping from the reality that I was living in. I watched TV shows, read books and successfully checked out of the Race. I thought of going home and tried to convince myself of all the reasons it would be good for me. I got to the point that I didn’t want to go to ministry or even out of my room and ended up coming down with a sickness for the last week in Malawi. I missed home to the point that it drove me to more frustration. I was annoyed. I was done.
I allowed my circumstances to completely shut out the things that God had for me this month in ministry but in natural custom my God came and redeemed it. He reminded me just in time to bring my crap, my mess and my selfishness to him. He allowed me to see what I was doing before I left so I could at least redeem some of the relationships I made.
He then gave me the great gift of meeting another Squad on the Race. This is not something that happens often, if ever, and was because of mix-ups with D-Squads next country. But what came from it was the pleasure to spend a couple days with them in the same country. We talked, we listened, and we encouraged each other. We worshiped together and prayed together.
I got to hear about the Race from a future perspective, from the perspective I needed. D Squad only left two months before us but the things they taught me were as if they had been doing this much longer than us.
They taught me to grab that fire for yourself and hold on to it with all your might. Don’t let it go because the time goes so fast and goes on without you. You will have a hard month, that’s okay, but don’t let it seep into the next country. Allow every country, continent, team time, ministry to be a new opportunity for God to use you. Allow it to be of growth, vulnerability, perseverance, and joy.
They showed me the fire and showed me that it’s worth it. They showed me that all the hard talks, all the community, all the long ministry days, all the stomach problems is worth it. Now they go off to Asia for the last leg of their journey just like we will in 2 months and I can say that I am honored to do life as a World Racer. I am honored to be apart of this community even for just a season. This is more than just a program but preparation for a lifestyle of going deeper with my fellow strugglers attempting (and failing) to honor a God of so much beauty and goodness.
I may have only 6 more months on this journey but I plan to make it worth it. I plan to dive in when it’s difficult and to tell people what God has put on my heart. I plan to challenge my brothers and sisters because I love them and hoping that they have the desire to do the same for me. I plan to grow through each new country and each new ministry. I don’t want this journey to go by and for me to be left unchanged. I want it to be such an example of his goodness that it sets me up for my future with Him. I know that I can trust Him with this and I know that I came on this journey for that exact purpose. So I give him my hands, my heart and my journey. I don’t want to hold on to anything anymore.
Shout out to D-Squad for your love, friendliness and ability to teach me so much without even trying. You guys will forever have a special place in my heart and my World Race journey. Thanks for helping me find that fire again.
Update on Fundraising… I am about $2,500 away from my goal that I need on March 1st. If you are interested in helping me get there please let me know or click the support me tab at the top! I appreciate all the love and support.
