This questions haunts me. It feeds my doubt in my decisions. It feeds my discontentment with each season. I struggle not only with this question but living in the present. So I decided this year that I would have that be my phrase. “Be present.” I would remember this every time I kept looking toward the next thing. I would put my focus back on the day that was in front of me and the things I have to do to make it through. I would be where my feet are planted.
School started three weeks ago and I can tell you that this semester will sure be a tough one. It’s going to be a lot of reading, writing and thinking about things other then what’s next. It’s going to be a true test of living in the present if I want to get good grades. It’s going to be tough. I am not doubting that. But after May I will be a college graduate and be able to say that I did it. The day that this is done I know that it will be 100% worth it but I can’t help but doubt it all right now. I can’t help but wish it I didn’t have to read this next chapter due tomorrow. But I will. Oh I will.
A series of unfortunate events have been happening. Even if they are small things that just mess with my day or things that mess up other peoples days. It’s been a battle since I signed up for the Race. It’s been a battle with my doubt telling me that this is not the right thing for me and my mind telling me that I need to stay focused. It’s been a struggle of where I am and where I want to be. It’s been a struggle of where I should be and where I am going. So how do we know what we are doing is what we are supposed to be doing? Such a big question but one I struggle with that and I am not sure theres an answer to.
I am a firm believer of being where you want to be. I believe that we can choose where we want to be and wherever that is we can be used for His glory. I believe that whatever season you are in you can be a blessing to the people around you. I believe that wherever that season lands you that it’ll all work out. But the reason I chose to go on the Race was because I felt I needed to leave my wants for a season. I knew that this was not going to be easy. I knew that I was going to struggle but I didn’t know that it was going to be this hard. I didn’t know that a few days later my favorite kids were going to call me and tell me that they needed school fees by a certain time or they weren’t going back to school. I didn’t think that my dear friends at an organization I wanted to intern with would lose a three year old boy to heart failure that was living in their temporary housing till he recovered. I didn’t think that an amazing village would lose a beautiful person today and be mourning together. I didn’t think that I would miss it so much.
I so long to be where my heart is. I long to be where the people I love are and I frankly just don’t know sometimes if this is what I am supposed to be doing. But then I have to remember. I have to push my emotions aside and I have to remember that this is not my life. It’s not my job to dictate where I go. If I feel at one moment that I am supposed be doing something different I need to dismiss that. I need to remember to take that jump. To stick with the oppuntuinty that is already in front of me and be present. This is a constant struggle, a constant struggle that I know won’t get better soon. But I would ask that you would help me through it. That you would pray with me and partner with me in this beautiful journey of patience. I need your help. I need your encouragement. I need your love. But we will get through it.
“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” – Nelson Mandela
