Not only is God moving here, but he is moving in me too. I can see him constantly working on me and my heart. With that, my emotions have been stretched – It’s understandable, I mean with any growing period in your life there are definitely some rocky moments. I have wavered a few times not feeling good enough to actually be here, but just like God he doesn’t give up on me. Like ever. My daily quiet time has been a reminder of my place here.
The walls I had so easily placed at home, and thought I got rid of are sneaking back up and attempting to form. I can feel the spiritual warfare happening right in my very being. Yesterday (tuesday) was rough. Most of the day I found myself tearing up, because I so desperately wanted to place my walls up right where I once had them. I was willing to find any excuse to place them there, and even found myself at times seeking out a reason. I mean I need that validation that my walls were totally fine. I was even growing frustrated with some people and my heart was not right. I was not showing love when I should have. I was fighting it all day. I was exhausted which only made my personal battle worse. Last night (tuesday) after my cry fest, I came to my spot in our room and was able to process some things, I was reminded of a message I once heard.
What does LOVE require of me? (even in the fight of re-building walls, or attempting to)
This question is burned into my heart.
My motto today was Choose LOVE.
Love is a choice, and once you choose it your feelings will eventually catch up to your choice.
It sounds crazy right, but no. Every time I found myself wavering or the walls starting to re-build (with people if I wasn’t clear) I would think choose love. I mean 65 times later in the first part of the morning, I was actually feeling pretty good about the day. Then during one of our worship sessions, it occurred to me have I prayed for this individual? No, I haven’t and right there in the middle of worship I found myself in an intense prayer asking God to allow me to see them as HE sees them. For who is the great lover, but God himself. I so desperately wanted that, it was my hearts desire. I no longer wanted to just choose love, but I wanted to love in the way God loved. By 2pm God allowed me to see that person the way He sees them. I was in awe.
I realize this is the first day of my own little “steps to recovery” but I am SO very glad and blessed that I have God on my side. I am SO very blessed that he hasn’t nor will he give up on me.
The peace that pours from me, in this moment is overwhelming. My cup runneth over.
I mean seriously if this is what 5 days can do to a girl, I am both scared and excited with what the next months look like.
Romans 5:3-5
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character hope. And hope does not put us to shame because Gods love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
