I haven’t been wrecked in a while. But yesterday I went to a pizza place down the street to spend some time alone, maybe listen to a podcast. But the Lord brought all the feels. He was like “Hey Courtney, listen to ‘Reckless Love’, and really listen to the lyrics.” And here I am wrecked, crying in a public restaurant overwhelmed by how good he is. He is loving and constant and I am so thankful to have a loving God carry me through every pain and joyful moment in life.
Walls. Everyone has walls built up to protect themselves, built from fears and past hurt. I’ve been realizing over the past few months that my walls are pretty tall and really thick.
The other night we shared our biggest fears and one the Lord brought to mind was fear of letting people in. I hide behind my humor and create very surface level relationships with people. I would say only a handful of my friendships with people are really deep where they know me for more than my humor. Once I think the relationship has the potential of getting deeper I run away; I’m short and cold in conversation or I simply just stop talking to them. It’s easier for me to just cut them off. I have been holding on to the trust issues I had with a best friend and a boyfriend from 5 years ago. These relationships caused a lot of hurt in my life and I told myself that I couldn’t really trust anybody anymore. Now is the time to start working through my “trust” issues.
One constant I have had in my life over the years is God. He always runs after me when I run away, no matter how broken I am. His love for me is relentless. His love for me is reckless. It’s overwhelming and never-ending. It chases me down and he fights until I’m found. There’s no shadow that he won’t light up, no mountain he won’t climb up coming after me. There’s no wall he won’t kick down, there’s no lie he won’t tear down coming after me.
I’m learning what it’s like to be intimate with the Lord, to let him into every brokenness I have deep down in my heart. He’s helping me unpack it all. He will continue to peel back layers. It’s painful but worth it. The only thing I know to do now is to just take his hand and let him walk me through it. Day by day, I will rest in knowing I have HIM to guide me through healing. He will give me the confidence to let people in. He will break down walls to build them into something better. The Race is for God to bring light to the person he wants us to be through ministry work and living in community. He works inside and outside of us. He continues to blow my mind with how GOOD he is.
“Come, let us return to the Lord.
He has torn us to pieces
but he will heal us;
he has injured us
but he will bind out wounds.
After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will restore us,
that we may love in his presence.” – Hosea 6:1-2
