Not everybody has the opportunity on the race to be on a team and serve with guys but I was fortunate enough to be on one for the past few months. It has helped me realize the difference between friend and BROTHER.
I love being on a co-ed team. I grew up with brothers and I have a lot of guy friends so being on a team with dudes was a breath of fresh air. I love joking around. I’ve always been “one of the bros”.
Being on a team with guys and girls creates a different kind of community. Living in it has helped me realize that it’s hard for me to be honest about my feelings with men.
My relationship with men all my life has been very superficial, there’s a level of “deepness” then it just stops. There are a handful of men in my life that I can honestly say know me inside and out and I can talk about anything to.
Growing up apologies weren’t really a thing. It was easier to turn it into a joke and get over it. I always had my room to run to when my feelings were really hurt, I would cry it out then come out of my room over it and “fine”. On the race I don’t have the luxury of having my own space; I have to face it, even when I REALLY don’t want to. I have to learn how to accept apologies and express how I’m really feeling about something that hurt me, which was so weird for me. I’m used to just closing up until I heal myself then going on with my day.
It’s funny because I always tell people it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel, it’s okay to be vulnerable but I don’t even feel comfortable with it sometimes. In learning this, I’ve realized the truth in WHO a brother in Christ really is.
When you have a brother in Christ, that relationship goes deeper. Through them you see grace (that is JESUS) that will meet you where you’re at, where you don’t have to put on an act, you can be fully yourself. It’s a relationship where you don’t feel shame, guilt or condemnation for having feelings and being a girl.
This month I’m learning to step into honesty.
I’m learning to put more walls down.
I’m learning to share with them what I’m learning about God.
I’m learning not to run away (because I literally do) when they hurt my feelings.
And I know that they will stick around, through the mess, just like Jesus does time and time again.
