Isn’t it? A season in the states of such joy..fall..the approaching of the holidays…togetherness.
Football season.
Starbucks’ fall drinks in Christmas cups.
Boots and scarves and cute jackets.
Cider beer and candy corn.
Christmas music, lights, decor and displays.
Crackling leaves and vibrant colors.
Fireplace, candles, cozy blanket season.
This year, this season in my life looks a lot different.
Change. New team. New continent. New ministry. New leaders. New coaches. New culture. New food. New language. New friendships. I. Hate. Change.
Brokenness. Learning to die to myself…my choices, my desires, my comforts. To become more like Him, I must become less of me.
Grief. I need to grieve the losses in my life. No, not literal death. The previous season..the honeymoon phase of the race. Expectations. My team. My comfort and confidence in my previous teammates, their love for me, the vulnerability I entrusted in them. My friendships of those I got to do everyday life with.
Longing. Longing for the simple conveniences of America. Home. Familiarity. Stability. For family time during the upcoming holidays. For friends during the football season. For craved American food. For independence. For given safety and ease in public. For my own schedule. For selfishness.
Exhaustion. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally.
This. Is. Hard.
It was a particularly difficult day, going through the mundane. Sitting in, yet another, Spanish church service..cold, drinking terrible instant coffee, tiredly paging through my Bible in attempt to pass the two hour service…Even now, declares the Lord, return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.” Joel 2:12
“‘Even now’, declares the Lord, ‘return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.’” Joel 2:12
Well. I should’ve known right then and there:) He was calling out to me. Warning me. Comforting me. Basically screaming loudly in my face. But, in His grace-filled, gentle, loving way..reminding me of Him in this new season of life. A season of newness. Ugh. Challenge. Stretching. More tears than I’ve ever cried. More discomfort than I’ve experienced thus far.
Gone is the honeymoon phase; the days where it seemed like it’d be a glamorous year off of work, traveling to cool new places, seeing miraculous sights and getting loved on by orphans all day every day. Now don’t get me wrong. I am living a dream; I am so grateful. I certainly have and will continue to travel to awesome places. I have seen some of His most beautiful creations. I have been loved on by some of the most precious orphans in the world. But this journey is so much more than that.
Would you join me in prayer for this new season of my life? Prayer that I will embrace change; that I no longer despise change. That I will hear His voice when He’s calling out to me. That I will allow myself to fully feel. That I’m reminded it’s okay to be sad, confused, angry, weary. That I take time to weep, fast and mourn. That even now, in this tough season of discomfort and change, that I return to Him with all my heart.
