One of the hardest things about The Race is being away from home. Yes, I’m on this grand adventure and sometimes it’s super exciting and epic, and other times it’s not. Some days I’m loving life and convinced I’ll spend the rest of my life over seas. Other times, not so much. I get to do amazing once in lifetime things on a weekly or even daily basis, but sometimes my heart longs for the familiar, the normal, the people at home. And sometimes this can be a major distraction.
Going into Vietnam, I knew I wouldn’t have internet. It’s something God has been telling me before I even left America. But we had wifi at our home for the month. Which meant my month without wifi became a choice. So I chose him. I chose his will and decided to lived without internet for 30 days, the month of November.
The thing about November was it was far from a convenient month to be disconnected from home. I missed my sister’a birthday and two of my other favorites. I couldn’t talk to my family on Thanksgiving, and being able to have internet whenever I wanted made saying no daily, a challenge.
It was the most difficult part of my month, and probably the hardest part of The Race so far. But it’s probably also the time I learned the most.
I used to call myself a people pleaser and most of my friends would agree. But that’s something I no longer want to find my identity in. I wanted to talk to my parents because I knew they missed me. I wanted to talk to three of my favorite people on the their birthdays. In my mind it’s because I want to love them, and part of that is true for sure. But a bigger part of me doesn’t want people to be mad at me. Because yes, I could flipped a switched on my phone and instantly be connected with them of their day. But I said no to them. I realized that I wanted what God wants for me more. I want to please him more. And me pleasing him isn’t for approval. I already have that. Choosing him is because I trust him. And if people are mad at me it’ll for sure suck, but I’m starting to see that he’s actually worth even that.
God also met me in the lonely times this month. I was expecting to feel lonely not talking to people back home, but I felt lonely on my team. When everyone was on their phones, I wasn’t. I felt left out and had absolutely no cure for it. Mark Batterson says in my favorite book, “In a Pit With a Lion On a Snowy Day,” the cure for the fear of failure isn’t success, rather it’s being exposed to failure and surviving. The cure for my loneliness isn’t to be around people, it’s be lonely and be okay with it. And it sucks. I want to people around me, and I want to be included, but if I’m not, I realized I actually can still function.
Being lonely and facing people pleasing were seriously hard and not what I would have chosen. Surely that was enough for God. But it wasn’t. Not even halfway into my wifi fast, God told me to go longer. I originally dismissed the idea, but later realized that was actually God’s voice telling me what I didn’t want to hear. He asked for ten more days, 40 days without internet. I said yes, because what else do you say to your Lord? It was weird and I didn’t understand why until he told me.
I’ve never actually had God change my plans. Everything in my life was my choice and we planned it together, what college to go to, switching majors, break ups, mission trips, and even The Race. All of it was he and I. This was the first time, no matter how small, that he asked me to pick his plans instead of mine. What I didn’t realize was doing those first few weeks was planning my wifi time come December 1st. With the time change, I could still blow up social media like you’re suppose to on your friend’s birthday. It would still be close to Thanksgiving, I could talk to family that weekend. And I could brag about what God did in Vietnam and how excited I was for Africa in a timely manor. All of which I now had to say no to.
So maybe this post was dramatic. Maybe it really isn’t so bad to be disconnected for awhile. It seems obvious now that it wasn’t a big deal, because looked what I gained from it. I was focused on where I was, not the things I missed from home. I had to let God be in charge of my relationships at home instead of wifi. I confronted my loneliness and lived. I realized that God is worth changing plans for and a people pleaser isn’t who he’s called me to be. I unplugged from internet and it was difficult, and I’m hoping he doesn’t make me do it again any time soon, but he was worth it. And I would
for sure recommend it being added to every Racer’s bucket list.
