Even though I’m restricted to living out of a backpack this year, the 70L of space hasn’t stopped me from shopping this month. There’s Thai pants and dozens of comfy tanks and bags in addition to knockoff everything in the market. The other day as we were prayer walking, something the street vendor was selling caught my eye, an elephant journal. Now there are dozens of them all over town that you can buy for about three dollars, but this one was different. This one was just like the one that’s tucked away on a shelf back home. There, on a table in the middle of bar street, was my Elephant Journal.
Over a year ago, I went to India for six weeks with 20 other college students. We worked at Mother Teresa houses, shared the gospel on college campuses, and learned more about the horrors of human trafficking. I was surrounded by brokenness, poverty, and injustice that seemed more powerful than my God. I came home that August and was so confused. I saw God working in India, I saw his goodness and grace, but being home I quickly decided he wasn’t doing enough. I knew he had a plan, but he needed a better one.
One of my favorites had also returned from traveling that summer, and her gift to me was an elephant journal from Thailand. She had experienced God and saw his goodness, meanwhile I was angry and bitter with Him. How could he say he loved the world and let it turn out this way? I still believed in God, I just didn’t trust him. Which was terrifying.
For two months I poured out my heart to God. Not because I wanted to, but because I didn’t know where else to go. I scribbled my thoughts through those now tear soaked pages. Sometimes I would stop in the middle of a sentence too angry, prideful, or confused to continue. God made a covenant with me long ago, I was his and he was mine, for better or for worse. And those pages captured the for worse time.
In those months, he spoke. In between my screaming at him, he told me to stop looking for his goodness and to just trust in it. As I struggled and wrestled through questions, he met my broken heart with answers that clichés had failed to do. Answers that said he was distressed in others distressed (Isaiah 63), waves will come but they will not prevail (Jeremiah 5), he delivers the needy (Psalm 72) and that the days of sorrow would end (Isaiah 60).
Last October, He won my heart again. And then he asked for me to give it back to him. I told him I was scared he was going to break it again, and he assured me was going to break it many more times.
I’ve never believed in God’s goodness more than I have this past year. As I trusted in him, he showed me why he’s trustworthy. As I rested in his goodness, he proved his love to me.
So here I am in the streets of Thailand, surrounded by the evils of injustice and brokenness unimaginable. I saw that journal, my journal, knowing that what he told me a year ago was true, he is breaking my heart again. It hurts. It’s painful and I want to fight it. I want to protect myself. I’m scared of doubting him again. But at the same time, I’ve never been more convinced that God is indeed good. So incredibly good.
And friends, let me tell you something, I didn’t believe that a year ago. I would have laughed if you would told me where I would be in a year. But God gave me another elephant journal. This one to fill with different thoughts and different questions. This one to use to cry with God instead of at him. This one to remind me of everything I know to be true.
You see the problems are still here; the injustice and slavery are still too complex for me to understand. The difference is that I’ve experienced how God can win the hardest of hearts. When the darkness is terrifying and the brokenness seems hopeless, I’m pressing in. I’m letting my broken heart tell me something about my Savior. And most importantly, I’m doing something different this time, I’m trusting in My God’s goodness..
“When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny…But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.” Psalm 73
