“Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” Confucius
One of the things I quickly realized on The Race was how much I compare things. I already kinda knew this. I compare myself to other people or even to my past self. This is obviously terrible because I either drown in insecurities or get puffed up with pride. Neither ideal.
But on The Race comparisons take on a whole new persona. Now, I’m not just comparing myself, I’m comparing countries and experiences. There’s constantly a list of questions running through my head.
Do I love it here? Is this this my favorite place? What was better last month? What’s better this month? Could I live here forever? What about just a year? Can I see myself in this country or the last one more? How are these people different from others? Is my heart breaking more or less this month?
I keep trying to figure out where my fit is. What ministry lights me up? What country is my country? But what I didn’t realize was happening was that I was leaving my heart in places. “Cambodia can have a piece of me. Oh and Thailand too. Well now what about Vietnam? How much so I give to this country?”
Not only does this keep me from experiencing everything God has for me, but I’m running out of heart to give. If I keep this up, how will I be able to love Costa Rica or even Uganda for that matter? There will be nothing left.
Instead, the beginning of each month, God is asking for my whole heart. The entire thing. The parts I want to leave along the way to show me the way back and the parts I left at home so I would never truly feel forgotten. He wants those. He wants me to give my whole heart to him so he can give me the whole country.
Right now, my heart belongs in Vietnam. Not America, Cambodia, Thailand, or even Uganda. This month I call Vietnam home. I’m suppose to give all of me for a month, and then in a few days, I’ll pick it back up and give it all away again in a different country.
Trust me, this is scary and messy. It means pulling the pieces back from all over the globe. It means taking a break from the internet, because I maybe too connected. It means trusting God to show me what’s next instead if relying on a list and emotions. Just as painful as a broken heart maybe knowing it’s going to happen again and again.
I get that a quote from Confucius isn’t the best theology, but I think he’s right. Something happens when we hold back our heart. When we try to protect it from the pain and unknown. What if I can’t keep giving my heart over and over again? What happens when all I can give are pieces as fine as dust? Well at least I won’t be missing out. At least I wouldn’t have held anything back. And when it’s all said in down, I’ll be able to call 11 countries home.
