This blog is a little longer than usual but needs to be written. This blog was hard for me to write and shows part of me that not many have seen. Project Search Light is hard but good.
So a lot has happened in the three weeks that I have been home. I am planning on writing a blog about it but first I would like to tell what has been happening to me over the last couple of days. I am at Project Search Light (PSL), which I almost didn’t come to. I battled a long time over if I would come to PSL. My flesh convincing me not to come because of fear that it would be emotionally hard, that it would have sessions were we would get deep and talk about our feelings, like feedback, which I highly dislike doing. I would use the word hate but hate is not a nice word. My flesh was trying to find any reason not to come. Money and time being the biggest reasons (I’ll write a blog about that later). See since I got home my flesh has been the one to control my every move, it has been locking HIS Spirit into a closet so to say. It is afraid that if I came to PSL that I would unlock that closet door and let out His Spirit within me.
Any ways I came to PSL. Sitting on those early flights down to Atlanta, I was excited to see my squad mates again, but nervous for some reason. Looking back now I can see that it was my flesh leaning up against the outside of that closet door and His Spirit just waiting on the other side patiently with a smile on His face.
Upon arrival at AIM I sign in and filled out these random questions, on top of this paper it said “beware that answering these might mean that you get called on stage.” Well I answered the easy ones and left a few blank, I don’t want to be called on stage. Well mid way through the next day a small group of us were asked to meet after session. We were reminded that one of the questions was “can you dance?” And that each one of us had answered no. They wanted to do a worst dancer competition the following day and asked if we were willing to be part of it. Everyone was unsure but most said ok. I had to think about it. I didn’t want to be centre of attention, and my back still hurt, which I hurt dancing (that’s another story). Well one of the things that I learned on the race was that I need to continue to step outside of my safe zone. So I said yes. So before lunch the following day I got up on stage with seven other people and danced my worst. I’m proud to say that you are reading the blog of PSL’s Worst Dancer. I made it to the finals and won it all, and Reese Peanut Butter Cups. The competition didn’t really bother my back any more than it already felt. It felt good not the fact that I beat everyone (that’s a bonus of feeling good) but the fact that I went up there and put effort into being the worst. I enjoyed myself, and I believe that God enjoyed it too. He enjoyed that I stepped out of that safe zone even if it was just one or even a half of a foot. I think that my flesh enjoyed it a bit too, not that I stepped out but the fact that I won, a little pride was showing. Which is not always a good thing but not always a bad thing. Because of this I believe that my flesh stopped leaning on that closet door but didn’t move, it just wasn’t putting its weight into the door.
During our evening session, they asked if people needed healing. Well I did, my back still hurt, but that would again mean that I would be centre of attention in that moment. Quite a few of people’s hands went up, slowly mine went up too. A group of people were praying for me and I can feel this battle inside of me. My flesh pushing back at His Spirit. My flesh pushing hard at the closet door to remain closed, but slowly and surely it was being pushed opened. Every person that was praying around me was another hand pushing that door open from within that closet. I could sense between the tears and gentle swaying that my flesh was losing. Then like the closet door flew open, I lost it. I completely lost it, sobbing uncontrollably and shaking in my boots (if I was wearing any). I thought to myself why am I crying like this, it can’t be just about my back.
As I stood there crying I could see my self hang on this cliff about a couple feet down from the ledge. I was hanging on and crying and pleading with the Lord to save me. I looked up and I can see His hand reach down towards me, it was within reach if I reached up for it. But I didn’t I just hang on pleading- I was scared. I could feel that I was scared but not scared of falling if I tried to reach for His hand, but of His hand. I was scared of the very thing I wanted to save me.
With prayer mostly done and me sitting on the floor, crying still, one of my teammates kept asking me if I was ok, what was wrong and if I wanted to talk with her about it. By now my flesh had started push back again. I didn’t want to say anything, but I could hear a voice inside me repeating “tell her, tell her, say it out loud, tell her.” Finally we went outside and I tell her everything. How am feeling. The vision I had. How I don’t know what to do.
She listened, she gave me advice and told me it’s ok to not know. She also told me to kept telling other people, everyone has different views and experiences that will tell you a different part in what you need or want to know and where to go. That is something that I am learning and have learned before. It’s ok to not understand. Keep seeking the Lord even when it’s hard too. Especially when it’s hard. I am slowly but surely following the advice given to me, I’m tell those I trust my hard times and I am slowing piece together understanding to what I need to know and how to get it.
Right now as I keep talking and opening up to others, my flesh is being put in its place. There will be times when my flesh will get the better of me and there is always going to be a battle within between my flesh and His Spirit. I’m human. But the more I follow and listen to God the less my flesh will win those battles. I think that is why I’m posting this blog. I need to share, I need to let others know they are not alone. Because you are not. God loves you.
If you ever need to talk, I am a great listener.
I still have lots to process and I’m still looking for answers but I have started. I am a work in progress.
Until Next Time.
PS. One things I have learned from telling this so far is that it’s ok to say something for God is ‘hard’ and leave out ‘but it’s good.’ Doing life for God is hard!
