I am in month 5 of the World
Race. So far, I’ve been doing God’s work as a Camp Mum at a kids camp in New
Zealand, evangelizing and praying on the beach in Australia, teaching and
mentoring street boys and families in a dump in the Philippines, teaching
English and sharing the gospel with people who have never heard of Jesus in a
remote village in Cambodia, and now I am sharing testimonies, doing skits,
preaching and doing manual labor in eastern Thailand. As much as I am doing
God’s work, God is doing even more work in my life! Over the past 4 months, I
have changed so much.
Here is one
story of how God has changed my life forever:
During a lunch date with Kyla,
my squad leader, I was sharing how my teammates had helped me to identify a
major issue in my life. With their help, I had realized that, for the past 18
(or more) years, I’ve lived with feelings of inadequacy. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I would
never be good enough; I would never
be worthy of love. This belief
seemed to be continually confirmed in my life. Friends who rejected me, a
father who pointed out my faults trying to help refine me, and an ex-boyfriend
who told me no man would ever love me, all led me to a life of
self-condemnation. My opinion of myself was far from favorable. I’ve taken this
attitude so far that I proudly would not allow God to forgive me when I mess
up. I would refuse His forgiveness, sometimes for years, justifying it by
saying that I did not deserve to be forgiven and I haven’t felt bad enough yet
for what I had done. This was accompanied by blaming myself for anything that
went wrong in relationships and not allowing others to love me. I felt I
disappointed everyone and was not worth the work a friendship would take. I was
not good enough for friends, my family, myself and certainly not God’s love.
I was excited to share this
major breakthrough with Kyla, and expected a huge congratulation. Kyla did rejoice with me; then, not
completely by surprise (since I know Kyla to speak God’s truth boldly) she
shared that God was saying, “There’s
more to it.” Personally, I felt like I had enough to overcome with what I
knew already, but with little hesitation I hopefully asked her, “Do you know
what the ‘something more’ is?” Thankfully, she did and I was once again
grateful for Kyla’s obedience in using God’s gift of discernment.
The metaphor Kyla shared with
me was learning to ride a bike. She
said that God was calling me to take off the training wheels (relying on
others: like teammates, friends, family and even myself) and allow God to
hold-up my bike as I learn how to ride without reliance on them. I immediately
thought of a memory of when I was learning to ride a bike and my dad said he
would not let go of me, but as every father does, he let go. I
ran into a huge tree and hurt myself. I worried that this could be symbolic
of what might happen if I take the training wheels off in my life and asked
Kyla about it. She did not give me an answer, but instead had another vision,
this time getting to the core of all my issues. She asked me if I had ever seen the “Shawsank Redemption”. I
hadn’t, but she explained how after over a decade of imprisonment, when finally
released, an inmate may not be eager to reenter society. Often, they prefer the
(disappointing) comfort of their bleak,
but familiar prison cell. Kyla’s analogy was right on track. A month
earlier, I was saying how I preferred to be disappointed rather than live with
so many unknowns.
The prison I was living in was
a prison of dwelling in the past and
connecting past memories to every current and future experience. Even Kyla’s
bike riding metaphor was tainted with past pains that I’ve held onto for years
and could rekindle at a drop of a hat. This explained how a person’s carless
comment could cause me so much pain, since they came attached to years of
hurtful memories.
Surprisingly, like the inmate,
I was not ready to run out of that prison immediately. I had become comfortable
there, living in familiarity of self-pity and the unknown world outside, with
its possibilities of failure, seemed scary. It took me a while to muster-up the
courage to step out into God’s freedom and make the following commitment:
“I refuse to live in the prison
of self-condemnation and inadequacy. I refuse to ever return to a life of focusing on the past and worrying
about the future. I’m leaving behind the ‘known/expected’ bad way of life I’ve
lived for too long. The familiarity of that prison cell will no longer bring me
comfort and God has locked those doors tightly so I can never return.”
“I now choose to live my life
day by day, enjoying each moment, knowing God’s presence is always all around
me and He will never leave my side. I’m choosing to not allow Satin’s lies to
influence my perceptions of circumstances. I will hold tightly to God’s truths
and who He says that I am. I will let go of the past, covering it with grace
and live in God’s hope. I will take every thought captive (2Cor.10: 5) and by
the power and authority I’m given by Christ, I will make them obedient to
Christ. In all circumstances, I will not give in to the temptation to revert to
critical thoughts, but instead I will focus on Christ, living for Him, trusting
in Him. He will be my rock, my foundation, my constant, my source and my All. I
will rejoice in the freedom of the unknown and find joy, contentment and
excitement in the constant presence of God in this very moment.”
Answers in Worship:
Later that evening, we had a
worship service. The people leading worship began to play a song that they had
not planned on playing that night (I believe God directed them to play it). As
I was singing, Kyla came over to me and said this
song was the answer to my question about God holding on to my bike. The chorus
says:
“Oh,
no, You never lets go, through the calm and through the storm,
Oh,
no You never lets go, in every high and every low,
Oh,
no You never lets go… Lord, You never
let go of me…”
started to cry as I sang those words knowing that God will never let go of me.
Why I’m Sharing This:
I am sharing this intimate
story with you transparently, not only so that you can celebrate with me and
rejoice in God’s work in my life, but also as inspiration. My hope and prayer is that my vulnerability in sharing
this will cause you to look into your own life and seek freedom like you have never experienced before. Your bondage
may look nothing like mine. Your prison could be completely different, but God
wants all of us to step out into His freedom and let Him hold up our bike
(life) as we learn to trustingly follow the path He has set before us. Don’t
worry; He’ll never let go!
Maybe you are thinking, “that’s
great, but I don’t have someone like Kyla, sharing visions and shining light
into my dark places.” That may be true, but as much as I love Kyla, she is not
required. God is light; He can shine on your dark places. Ask God to reveal your prison. Ask Him to place boldness in someone
to call it out in you; but be willing to receive it when they do.
Warning: It will not be fun, or easy, but by God’s grace you will come
out a more Christ like person.
