Temptation, shame, and lack of faith.

Temptation.
 
Wouldn’t the world just be a better and easier place if this didn’t exist?
 
There are so many temptations that are thrown our way every week, every day, every hour.
 
Temptation is not from God.
 
However, if I’m really honest about it, sometimes I just want to give into those temptations that have kept me chained for years. I know God will forgive me so I can always just confess, right? << Sometimes I have the dumbest logic ever.
 
This thought it purely from satan. He knows where I struggle the most and will shoot bullets at me until I give in.
 
I wish I could say that I’m such a strong person, who can put that bulletproof vest on and take the shots and say I rarely ever struggle with temptation. But that would just be a big fat lie.
 
I realize that there are many different temptations people struggle with, lying, pornography, stealing, etc. I think people, especially believers, are so scared to even admit to all the crap that goes on in our lives when no one is looking, that we tend to just hold it all inside and put that “everything is fine” smile on.
 
I’ve done it.
 
I have done it for so many years that I have lost track.
 
It wasn’t until recently that I shared one of my biggest secrets with a close friend, who then encouraged me to tell my mom about it.
 
This was something that I had struggled with for years. I honestly thought that if I ever told someone, that shame would be so great that I could never have the same relationship with them ever again. I thought that they would hear it and be so completely caught off guard and disappointed in me that they would never look at me the same way again. Satan had me believing that it was better to suffer alone, keeping it hidden where no one could ever see it, than to seek out help. I figured it was easier to not ask for prayer and just try to deal with it on my own.
 
At times, I thought I had overcome the sin. It would go away for a while and I thought I was going to be fine. But then BAM! It would hit me like an earthquake and tear my world apart once again.
 
Once I gave in to the temptation it would tighten is grip on me, holding me in even tighter chains.
 
There were so many times I would pray and pray for God to give me the strength to resist this sin. I knew that Jesus Himself was tempted but He held fast and never gave in [Matthew 4:1-11].
 
It slowly came to be that I had convinced myself that my sin was not all that bad. I mean I wasn’t going around murdering people, right? People have done much worse than what I was struggling with.
 
So I kept telling myself that I would overcome it and it’s not something that I should be freaking out about so much.  << Again, dumb Courtney logic.
 
However, when that close friend shared some of their testimony with me, I knew that I had to share one of the biggest secrets I had ever kept hidden.
 
I wasn’t really planning on saying anything about it, it just kind of came out.
 
And you know what? This friend didn’t completely cut me out of their life but instead encouraged me and told me that it would be good for me to tell someone, like my mom, about it.
 
Oh, man.
 
My heart was like beating out of my chest after we finished talking. I knew they were right and I knew, because they texted me about it later that night, that they were going to keep me accountable to the fact that I said I would tell my mom.
 
You would think that talking to someone, whom you have known your whole life, about something personal would be easy? Yeah, if only that were true.
 
Tears were pouring down my face before I could even choke out the words. I almost didn’t even tell her because I felt so ashamed and I didn’t want her to know that…
 
I was weak.
 
That I was struggling.
 
That I had failed.
 
However, I had no choice now but to tell her because she obviously knew something was up.
 
So when I finally was able to get the words out, I could tell by her face that she was shocked and that she was not expecting that at all.
 
Yet, she didn’t keep silent.
 
She kept telling me that God has forgiven and that she loved me so much. Praying over me, she spoke truth about God’s love for me and for strength to resist the temptation ever again.
 
I was the one who was speechless.
 
How did I convince myself all these years that if I ever told someone, I would be rejected and despised like some molding piece of trash?
 
All my shame and guilt is what put Christ up there on the cross. Why could I not see Christ’s love for me in this area of my life?
 
It’s still a constant struggle for me.
 
Every day.
 
However, just telling these two people has been one of the best things I have done about the situation.
 
Honestly, I still worry about what they might think of me now but that’s just something I have to get over. I know God has forgiven me and I know that these two people will be here for me if I ever need anything.
 
…………………………………..
 
Seriously, if you’re reading this and have been struggling with a huge temptation or sin in your life. Whatever it may be, I just want to encourage you to seek out help and prayer from those you trust. Get out of your head that you can do this alone, that the sin will be easier to deal with alone. God put these people in your life for a reason. Trust Him to forgive you.