I remember filling out the application, the phone interviews, the call saying I got in, training camp, and the feeling of talking to someone I had never met but that was helping fully fund me, all like they were yesterday. It’s bizarre to think launch will soon be in the past as well and it’s crazy to think God did all of this.
My soul is filled with mixed emotions. Saying goodbye to my mom, my hero and backbone, brought sadness. Looking at my fully funded account and realizing God provided in abundance and therefor I am now going on this trip, brought overwhelming joy. Knowing that God chose me out of so many to send into the nations, brought confusion but also gratitude and warmth. The feelings are never ending and continue to get tangled together, but at this moment I am more anxious and excited than ever.
As I sit in Springhill, TN on a damp patio chair the smell of dew and the sound of a lawnmower take over the atmosphere around me. You can see the seasons physically changing but I can also feel them in a different way. These past few years have brought so much change in my life. Some coming out of the blue, ones I couldn’t control and some I chose for myself. Sometimes I coped just fine and other times I made sure to put a smile on and pull my shoulders a little farther back so it looked as if I was. As this season physically ends, a season in my life goes with it. I’m not going to hide any of my feeling or put a fake smile on though. I do have a fear of missing out (fomo, as Sarah would say), fear that someone will get sick while I’m away, fear that everything will be completely different when I get back. I’ve learned to cast my worries and fear to the Lord but sometimes that is forgotten and the devil tries to creep in. For the past couple of days, just that was happening. But, like always, God showed up.
Yesterday, an older, big smiling, life loving gentleman came to spray my aunt and uncles house down for bugs. He happened to be a baptist preacher on the radio and when he found out about my next season he told me a little bit about his past ones and said he’d pray for me. Many people have said just those words to me, but in that moment, it happened to be just what I needed to hear. I was feeling overwhelmed and worried about everything and that man reminded me that God has it all in his hands. Later on my Aunt told me that he always writes a bible verse on the receipt. I looked for the verse and it happened to be Romans 10:13 “Everyone who calls upon the name of the LORD will be saved.” It reminded me once again that all I have to do is call upon our God and I’ll be saved of everything. In other words turn it all over and give it all to Him. He is my savor and he’ll bare it all with and for me. There’s no need to worry because it is in His hands.
I’m not saying I’m this perfect angel who has it all figured out. Turn it all over to God and I’ll all of a sudden not have a worry in the world. That isn’t true at all. But, in my worries I feel content and joy as well because I know I’m not the only one going through it. The Big Papa does have it in his hands though and with knowing that the worries do start to fade but they don’t diminish. The don’t go away but they do subside.
So, later on I’ll toss my 90L life into the back of a car and venture down to Chattanooga and then Atlanta soon after with a little less worry and a little more excitement because once again I was reassured that God has it all in His hands. I’m just here for the journey, letting Him live through me.
Now turn your volume all the way up and listen to the lyrics, see Heaven’s got a plan for you!
Until my next post…
Love & blessings,
Court!
