I’ve been home for almost 3 months now and this is my attempt at writing my very last blog.
While on the field and even before it every world race alum talks about “re-entry”. They say it’ll be hard. They say it’ll take time. I doubted those two things. I lived in the states for 19 years of my life. I know how America works. I’ll be fine I said.
But what I didn’t know was how I, the person I had become over the past 9 months, would act while back in the land of red, white, and blue. I didn’t know how hard it would be for me to re-enter into my friend group and be the same best friend I was before because I simply wasn’t. I didn’t know how to walk back into a household and still be the same daughter and sister that I used to be because I wasn’t. I didn’t know how to hear people complain constantly about first world privileges and be okay with it because I wasn’t. I’m not the same person I was when I left. I came back and tried to be though. I tried to act like I was excited when I found out my friend had hooked up with that super hot guy. Really all I wanted to tell her though was to turn to God and find comfort in him..not a random hook up. I tried to act like I was the daughter and sister who still had it all figured out. But what I really wanted to say was I don’t know a thing and if anything I’m more lost now than I was when I left. But I also wanted to say I’m okay with that because in my lost and brokenness I’ve met God, and I know although I don’t have it figured out He has it figured out for me. I tried to act like I felt bad when someone complained that they didn’t have the newest iPhone or that specific wash of jeans that they wanted. Truth be told though I didn’t feel bad that they didn’t have those thing. I felt bad because they couldn’t just be grateful for what the already had. They didn’t realize how blessed they already were. At times all I wanted to do was scream get over it. If I’m really being honest, I didn’t just want to scream that to other people but to myself at times as well. Bottom line is I left the race changed but I came back and didn’t know how to be who I had become. So on the outside, I acted like I used to. I re-entered a world that only knew me for what I used to be; a self-righteous, self-centered, spoiled brat.
A year ago my world revolved around me. Now my world revolves around God. How do you explain a change when no one you live with now saw it happen? It’s simple, you don’t. You can’t. I live and I’ll die for our savior now. Before I lived for myself and I prayed I’d never die (no joke there). You can’t just explain that to someone. (You can show them though…but I didn’t do this at first) I came back and was instantly scared. I was a coward. I had gone around the world and showed people love, which is ultimately showing people God, and came back home and was scared to do that same thing here. I was scared I’d be judged. An extremely good friend of mine told me, “…I feel like my family and closest friends back home get the worst side of me.” Sadly, that’s true. I think this rings true though because many times the ones we’re closest to are so used to who we are, they don’t allow us to change. It’s hard to show someone something when they refuse to see it.
My advice to any racer reading this now. Come back with confidence in who you are. It won’t be easy, but don’t be a coward. It’s easier to come back changed then come back the same person and try to change. You most likely now live in an atmosphere that won’t allow you to change in the ways the race community did. Don’t tell people about how you’ve changed, show them. However, don’t be fooled, this will take time. But also give people the benefit of the doubt. They know you’ve changed…don’t be scared to show them. Also remember..God didn’t stop working in you or in the people around you at final debrief. He’s living in the here and now. That means wherever you are, right now.
My advice to someone awaiting the return of a racer. Have an open mind. Don’t expect them to be who they used to be. No person who has gone around the world and seen the brokenness they have in others and in themselves is the same. Allow them to show you who they’ve become. Don’t make those little comments about how changed they are now…you know the “wow you never used to do that” comment. Obviously they know that so your comment isn’t needed. A thank you would be nice though.
I’ve been home 3 months now and it isn’t hard anymore. It’s just life. It’s cool though to see God as life. It’s cool to be utterly amazed by what He does here. It’s also cool to be utterly amazed but at the same time be able to say it’s just God. Because now I know how great He truly is and I’m used to being utterly amazed by Him.
Prayers & blessing always,
Court.
