I forget how broken I am, every day. It renews every day and I am required in return to empty myself of pride and this sense of entitlement that clings to me. To pick up the cross and choose Jesus and His goodness over my self-righteousness so that I may be healed and repaired and capable of living in freedom.
The chains are heavy and they are thick. I choke on the smoke of my own toxicity, the poison of fleshly desires. Falling to my knees, I cry out, chest aching with sobs and a shallow wail from my gut to be rid of myself. It’s getting worse. Full-fledged attacks day and night ; dreams from which I cannot escape, friendships turned sour because of miscommunication, a feeling of rejection from a job that is challenging in itself, but a team that makes me feel void of value.
People come & go, passing & bonding with one another but I am detached from this world, this season – so ready to step into the next. Frustration exacerbated by my weakness and perpetuated by my fixations.
I want to live boldly, with reckless abandon for the Lord and His will – but hesitate when I think of my past and the lethal recklessness I let control my life and actions. When I hit a rut and a valley and my community once again vanishes, how can I be sure I will turn to the only One who can rescue me ?
I’m tired of hurting, of crying out. Tired of being tested – have I not persevered in every instance to show my enduring LOVE for You ? Have I not sacrificed the dreams I had convinced myself I needed and wanted so that I could pursue Your will for me ? Do You trust me ?
I beg for you to remove this thorn, Father ! Lift me up so I may glorify Your name high and wide in this wildly chaotic world ! Lay out my pride and my shame and my guilt and let us set it ablaze with Your vengeful and passionate light !
I want to worship You and You alone, if only You will reveal my weakness and my flaws so I may move toward you and dispel the lies from the enemy !
But I find even just a splinter of peace when I remember His presence, always there. I remember His Word – alive & active in me and around me. His promise of redemption, of encouragement, of grace and mercy. His promise of unending, unfailing love.
“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up ; the flames will not consume you.”
Isaiah 43:2
Instead of being consumed by the roaring rapids and the blazing flames, I will be consumed by His purpose for me, all for His Glory.
