Where is your hope ?
In the promise or in the One who made the promise ?
I guess the root of my every struggle and insecurity is pride. Disguised as a hundred different obstacles, pride fuels judgment, control, anxiety, shame and so much more. And suddenly, all of the screen time pride gets in the Bible makes sense.
“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” Proverbs 16:18
“In his pride the wicked man does not seek Him ; in all his thoughts there is no room for God.” Psalm 10:4
“But when his heart became arrogant and hardened with pride, he was deposed from his royal throne and stripped of his glory.” Daniel 5:20
This stain, this flaw seems to be wired into our very DNA as humans – flitting about, learning how to survive on our own, only to turn around as a follower of Christ and learn to willingly surrender and live dependent on our God who calls us His.
How confusing, being raised in, around and partially by this world that tells us what we need, how we ought to measure success, what we should want, like, how we should feel and look.
Pride is defined as :
“a high or inordinate opinion of one’s own dignity, importance, merit or superiority – whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc…
a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one’s position or character.”
Often pride comes waltzing in and gets comfortable in our lives, in our minds – going unnoticed by us all and excused because it comes so naturally to our fleshly bodies and minds. Maybe we shrug it off, finding justifications for why we’re anxious or selfish or conceited or judgmental, why we’re so focused on ourselves. But I see the trend and the birth of this in our fear – which can be encompassed in two categories, according to pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Church ; the fear of falling short and the fear of running out.
“I can’t trust him, he’ll hurt me – I’ll run out of love.”
“I need to know the schedule for tomorrow or I’ll fall short of the expectations of my co-workers.”
“I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose this job or if she relapses or if I fail.”
This cycle starts the moment we turn inside and decide to let our own capacity define the contingency of our success and worth. The second I make the move to the driver’s seat, my GPS crashes and burns and I circle in my mind, every form of pride latching onto my thoughts and doubts, perpetuating the cycle of the lies I had once let define me.
“I can do it alone. I have to do it alone because I am alone. I want to be alone because I don’t trust anyone else to do it. Because they don’t know how or they don’t understand. I’ll be fine. I don’t need anyone. People cause conflicts, that’s inefficient. I’ll just get hindered, slowed down. Tempted. Distracted.”
It’s scary to even start down the train of thought as an example. I watch these past justifications start to prompt current situations to which these lies so desperately want to cling.
But the thing about Jesus is He’s an excellent God. He’s given me a stellar resource called truth and I sometimes I like to picture it like a hammer in my mind – similar to the hammer of Thor, only wieldable by me and only when I’m allowing myself to walk, inhabited by the Holy Spirit. I don’t have authority to wield that kind of truth and destruction when I’m going to use it to crush dreams and goodness. So, when in the Spirit, I see the lies reach, like slime, to grasp my future and talk me out of my next adventure – SMASH. Hammer comes down.
Staying in South America, going back to Bolivia is super illogical and a huge risk, but I’m a lion chaser. And I read in a book that “most God-ordained dreams die because we’re not willing to do something that seems illogical.” Because, at the end of the day, our default has been ourselves – our abilities, capacities, weaknesses and strengths, our futures, our survival. In our world, survival is living one moment to the next by means of logical, tried and true processes.
So quickly our purpose is pushed to a back-burner, our calling confined to the “not right now, I’m busy” space – because when we focus internally, we choose our voice over God’s. For the same reasons I tell myself I’m better off without a best friend or a boyfriend, I start telling myself I’m more suited to plan and execute than God.
A few months ago in Chile, I sat with my head in my hands, trying to drown out the “me” and hear God and He spoke this truth very matter-of-factly to me :
Just because you can’t hear doesn’t mean what you need to do has changed.
Similar to muscle memory in my vocal chords when I sing the same songs, or in your legs when you run consistently, when I’m shouting so loud I can’t hear God, my heart comes in where my head fails me – my spiritual muscle memory brings that truth hammer down on the lies that are building up around me.
My Lord has built within me the strength to lift the hammer, even when I’ve forgotten I have it in my weapon room ! In those moments, I am floored. Though, why am I at all surprised when God is faithful, as if it ISN’T His very character to do exactly what He says He will ?
God is not surprised when I stumble, He does not balk at my doubt – and when I choose to run to Him and lay my pride at the foot of the cross, choosing to follow my God even when I don’t deserve His grace ; it is enough.
“And Samuel said to the people, “do not be afraid ; you have done all this evil. Yet do not turn aside from following the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart.” 1 Samuel 12:20
This is a turning point in my every breath. As a human, I am not good. I doubt, I judge, I lie, I choose me. But, Christ is in me and I am enough. Through our covenant and relationship, I am holy and pure – renewed. And it is in that truth I throw off my pride and dignity and dance like David did to celebrate before the Lord.
Each time I make that cognitive decision to let God do His thing, it gets easier. My hope fastens more on to the One who makes promises to me versus to the promises I may not even understand until they’re fulfilled.
The process will never end, as long as I walk this earth – but as long as I’ve breath in me, I will declare His praise and life His name ; because He saved me from death at the cross and He saves me from myself daily.
Because He is only good and He is always good. Even when it doesn’t make sense in my understanding of the word. But, I’m starting to learn more and more that I sort of like not knowing, not understanding.
Mystery is, after all, my God’s specialty. Where’s the fun in spoilers ?
#11n11 #wrexpedition #welcometheseason #heisonlygood #wanderwithwonder #lionchaser #praise
