I have been asking myself this question a lot over the past few months. I know a lot of it has to do with not quite fitting in with the culture that I find myself in. It was easier to pretend to belong in Europe, when most of the people look pretty similar and have similar values as me.
But a lot of it has to do with ministry as well. I feel like my presence and my actions have become less and less essential as we’ve gone on. The first two months, we did ministry all the time – helping with day camps, doing manual labor, bringing groceries to widows, visiting home-bound church members, picking up trash. I thrived on that ministry.
Malawi was the beginning of a shift away from mission work. We did a lot of children’s ministry, teaching songs and playing volleyball. But between door-to-door evangelism, a Crusade/Seminar, and water filter visitations (meeting people who had received water filters from THM), we also did a lot of talking.
And then in Zambia, we did all evangelism/visits/seminars, including a lot of awkwardly sitting as our translators carried on long conversations in Bemba. The only kid’s ministry we did was teaching songs to the kids who would follow us back to the Pastor’s house. In Cambodia, we taught English. In Thailand, we’ve taught English and visited church members.
I’m terrible at talking to new people.
I’m not fired up by evangelism.
I’m exhausted by teaching and pouring out to people.
I just want to rock some babies!
I am a doer. In my head, I know it’s great to plant the seed of the Gospel in someone’s brain. I know Christians in this part of the world need to be encouraged. I know it’s important to empower future leaders who will make their own impact, but, somewhat selfishly, I want to make an impact now.
I know what I want to do with my life, how I want to serve, and it is starkly clear that this is not it.
So why am I here? What is the point of all the effort, on my part and so many people who’ve supported me, to get me to this place? What can I do?
A lot of this antsy-ness boils down to change. We had major team changes after month 4 because our Alumni Squad Leaders have left and 3 people from the squad were “raised up” to take that job. I think I found it easier to deal with all the visiting in Zambia because I was surrounded by my quirky family. Now, don’t get me wrong – I love my new team. But it’s a different kind of love, a different dynamic. For me, a change like this takes a long time to get used to.
It also doesn’t help that I’ve been sneezing most of the last 2 months, first with allergies in Cambodia (until I broke down and bought medicine) and then with colds in Thailand (too much cold air blowing on me while I sleep). I want to encourage and bless my teammates, but my motivation drops significantly when my head is pounding or my throat is aching. The Spirit is willing but the flesh is so weak.
So until my physical state of being gets back to normal, how have I been staying sane in the midst of this existential crisis?
Trust.
I wrote before about God teaching me about surrendering when I was in Zambia. That has been something that has been relearned, solidified, driven home in the two months since.
Zambia: Do you trust me when you’re exhausted?
Yes, Lord.
Okay, have a dance party. You’ll feel better.
Cambodia: Do you trust me when you have to teach English again, even though you came on the Race because you didn’t want to teach?
Yes, Lord.
Okay, remember how much Spanish grammar made you love English grammar? You’ll feel better.
Bangkok, Thailand: Do you trust me when I lead you on a wild-goose chase for 3 hours to find somewhere to eat lunch?
Yes, Lord.
Okay, have some Mexican food. You’ll feel better.
Phuket, Thailand: Do you trust me when all the too-cold AC gives you a near constant cold?
Yes, Lord.
…
I don’t know what’s going to come out of pushing through these feelings of doubt and despair. I don’t know if it’s going to be anything more than getting to go to South America because I got through all the talking ministries. I hope that it means there are orphanages in my future. But no matter what, I know that God has me on this journey for a reason, and I won’t be losing faith before the Race is over.
