I do it.
Stand in front of the mirror. Tilt my head from one side to the next. Run my hands down my waistline. I’d like to say I admire the way I was made. I mean, I do… but let’s be real…I basically just notice the flaws. And there’s a lot I wish I could change.
My biggest battle? Easy, my weight.
I’ve never naturally been thin. Since Middle School, my shape has never been something I distinctively admired. Heck, I dread swimsuit season like cats to water. I even struggled with an eating disorder in high school to clip the extra pounds. Let’s just say, my hips don’t lie, (thanks Shakira) –and as everyone points out, yes, will be great for child bearing someday—but until that point in time, just makes it impossible to find jeans that fit.
I know,
I’m supposed to be the ‘good Christian girl.’ The one who is always confident in who she is in Christ. The one who doesn’t care what she looks like on the outside, because true beauty is within. I’m the one who shouldn’t be struggling with this, because I’ve had a loving family who always supported my regardless of what I looked like. I’m the quirky one who no one ever assumes struggles with my pant size.
I’d like to say I don’t care about my physical appearance in terms of pounds.
Confession: I do.
I compare what I see in the mirror, with what’s acceptable and socially attractive to the world around me. From Middle School, to High School, College…and now on the race. Ohhhhh the race….
I knew going into the race that I’d have to give up going to the gym to work out and having the leisure of a vehicle to drive to the store and buy leafy greens and peppers whenever I wanted. Fact of the matter is– girls tend to gain weight, and boys lose it out here. (without doing anything I might add). It doesn’t matter how hard you seem to try, things don’t button down or zip up quite as easily when carbohydrates are your staple food.
But it hit me this past week—
I think I’ve lived the past 23 years trying to define beauty. You know, give it a definition, and like a present, wrap it neatly in a box, keep it handy, and open it whenever I need to be reminded. Once its captured, you shouldn’t ever stumble or fail to see yourself as truly whole and complete.
But the more I’m out here,
the more I travel, and meet other women, who truly are absolutely beautiful- The more I walk in my relationship with Christ and live in community with other women who struggle with the same dang thing… it hit me.
Beauty isn’t meant to be defined, that’s what the world does.
Beauty is meant to be found. (-holley gerth)
And it can be. We just have to have eyes to see it. We have to have ears to hear it. Listen…
‘“The way you look isn’t for you. It’s to fulfill the plans I have FOR you…”’
We were designed to be remarkable. To see ourselves as intentional. Not an increasing number on a scale. Or bound to the size of a tag. I was called to freedom. To be at peace with the way I look.
I don’t have to live in guilt of that extra pastry a girl bought me in Latvia. It’s okay that I completely finished my plate of Nshima in Malawi. I can eat pasta and meat for a full month, and not hate my life when I don’t fit any longer in my jeans.
Because beauty is deep within, “NOT within the eyes of the beholder, but the eyes of the Creator.” (–Holley Gerth)
I watch my Middle School girls swoon over outfits and take the same photo 20 times to get the perfect selfie. (don’t worry, I have too). My Young Life girls caught staring at every mirror they walk by looking at their outfit. Adjusting their shirts here and there, putting on more make up, eat a little less, buy a little more. (same here.) I watch moms who are on the flip side of it all, no longer ‘searching’ for the ultimate skinny body—but instead just believing their days of beauty are over. Frustrated and downtrodden.
My point?-
we need to stop.
Seriously, be gentle with yourself.
What if we asked God for His perspective daily? His eyes and His help in understanding the purpose for every single ‘flaw’ that He has given us. My big hips included. Look for beauty within creation already.
He delights in seeing us satisfied and freely be who we are.
“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well” Psalm 139:14
