Open Hands. Celebration. Newness. Peace. Assurance. Abandonment. Letting go. Grace. Fasting. Surrender. Sacrifice. Missed expectations. Tears. More tears. Even more tears. Open hands. Breath. Peace. Joy. Sadness. Submission. Tears. Love. Grace and consequences because I now know they’re friends. More tears. Laughter. Remembrance. Redemption. Abundance.
You could say that has been the last 4 weeks of my life in a nut shell. I have experienced so much in such a little time. I honestly don’t even know where to start to blog nor did I want too because I really like telling the story when I’ve lived the happy ending. Not when I’m standing in the storm. But here goes my obedient try.
My 20th birthday was a few days ago and my leadership team asked me what word the Lord gave me for my 20th year of life. I’ve never asked the Lord for a word for the year before. So I asked my Papa what His word for our year is and I heard the word “Abundance.” I laughed and thought it was me wishing for that but definitely not from the Lord. A couple days went on and some amazing people gave me cards and different things for my birthday. [Side note: My birthday was incredible! I was beyond celebrated and loved on in the most creative ways! They wrote me a song and performed it. Silk Pajamas, cards, cake, paper flowers, day at the lake and gosh just anything and everything. So thankful for everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday! Thank you!!!] I was reading one of the cards and at the end she said she heard the Lord speak, “abundance” and “glory to glory” over this next year of my life. Another card said, “MORE” in all caps and then I realized the Lord had been speaking this to me for weeks now.
So coming into this, I had been asking the Lord for more. For Him to take me deeper, show me more, and grow me in this season like never before. The definition of abundance is “A very large quantity of something, overflowing.”How could this be a season of abundance when I’ve given up so much? Again. I gave up my bed, hot showers, towels, dryers, Chick fil a, Taco Bell, my car, fall for the second year in a row. I’m missing so many people’s birthdays and they missed mine, again. Gave up opportunities to go to college, to work, Thanksgiving, Halloween. I have no service, horrible WiFi, going back to the hottest place on this earth, biking everywhere, and wearing jeans for crying out loud. I didn’t know I could give up anything else until this week. My phone completely broke. No music. I lost all my videos and voice memos from my race. No Netflix for super long bus rides. I can’t take pictures for my mom. On top of all of that, the Lord asked me to let go of the thing that means the most to me, for a season. “Your blessed you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.” (Matthew 5:4) Something that in the past I have held on to for comfort, love, and have put above my Father. He asked me to surrender fully and sacrifice it. In Genesis 22 when God asked Abraham to sacrifice His only son Isaac on Mount Moriah. It felt like He called me to do the same. It broke me.
Abundance? Where? Papa what are you doing? I hit my face and my knees, literally. He asked me to bow with open hands, fully extended to Him. With my palms up and face down, I prayed. And never before have I felt comfort like that. Indescribable peace and I mean indescribable. I have no words. He cried with me and not just because I was sad but He was sad. He was really hurting too. He gives and He takes away. He is the most extravagant giver and He is so happy and eager to give us incredible gifts that we love but it kills Him when we place those above or before Him. That desire, that thought, must be sacrificed and killed.
As I was laying there, I heard Him softly whisper for me to lift my head. When I lifted my head I saw Him in the same position facing me with His palms up, hands open and fully extended to me. With blood running down His face but eyes wide open saying, “l love you. My sacrifice for you hurt so bad but I would do it over and over again for you. I love you.” Paul talks about being, “Ambassadors in chains.” Chains that we choose for the Kingdom. Dying to ourselves has never been easy, but is always worth it. Beyond worth it actually.
This has been a painful process so far but I’ve never been more dependent on my Father. His abundance looks a lot different than I thought, but I am sustained. He’s carried me for the past 20 years even when I didn’t realize it or give Him credit. He was there providing for my every need. Maybe not how I thought it would look but in His perfect timing. I know He’s got the next 20 years. (eyes emoji) Currently walking with my Father through the storm. I am excited with alert expectancy for what He will do next. Let’s get it! Much love from Cambodia.
