I thought I was done blogging, but I had a vision while driving in the car a few months ago, and it fit with my life perfectly. It was pretty impactful so I wanted to share it, sorry it took so long to write.
I was swimming around in mucky water going this way and that for quite a long time, just back and forth under the surface, I could see shades of light, but mostly just green lake water..then the scene changed and my head was above water and the sun was shining and I thought- I can breathe! I can see! Where am I? Where should I go now? That’s when it hit me that I needed to share my testimony with more people than just my team. To declare how awesome God is! Before the race I was never vulnerable, “I’m fine” worked really well, and it’s just been that way. If I was working on an issue, I kept it between me and God and my team finally said, hey Tess you gotta let us in! 
At Launch last September I was talking with one of our leaders and said I don’t know what it is but something is holding me back..I can’t quite put my finger on it. I felt I was only giving 99% to the Lord. He said he would pray it would be revealed and I feel that this was it. To get my past to the surface, so I could hear God more clearly, follow Him more closely, and minister in each country more effectively by using the story He gave me.
I always thought that I didn’t have a great testimony, raised in church, good girl, doing youth work now. It’s great. But this year on the race I was asked to share my testimony. Walls down. Truth exposed. Real testimony. I was scared. I didn’t want anyone to find out about the life I had for so many years. Yes, I was following Jesus, going to church, reading, praying but I was also not Spirit led. I was swimming around in the mucky waters on my own. Jesus was there, He’s always with us in the mucky waters, but I couldn’t see Him. In Guatemala we were asked to release any sins that were holding us captive. To confess and burn the things we couldn’t forgive ourselves for, to let that represent Jesus taking away our sins and cleansing us. What did I burn?! A lot of surface stuff..but the Spirit wouldn’t let me be. So as I wrote out my testimony and shared it with my team I allowed Jesus in to all areas of my life. I allowed my past to surface for the first time. Now on the surface, in the light it belongs to God. My life has a theme of being called out! I’m so thankful He never let’s us go. I’m so thankful He uses us for His glory! Ahhh– He loves us so much, we’ll never quite get it.
I had a pretty fun childhood and grew up going to church, but I also had a secret part of my childhood that I didn’t let my parents in on. I committed some childhood sins that I am not proud of, but God moved us out of that situation- He called me out! Throughout my High School and College I was growing closer to the Lord, but I was also not glorifying God in my personal life, my thought life. I was struggling with lustful thoughts and a particular sin struggle. But, God again would not let me drown. He would not let me be…He called me out. He is always calling us out and up! When I graduated from Moody I was still not completely free from my struggles and knew I needed some help so I picked up Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby and got more involved where He was at work. I was volunteering at my church, but started getting even more involved and then eventually went full-time in 2007. I confessed my sins and allowed the Holy Spirit to be involved in all areas. I finally understood what it meant to mourn over my sin. I took captive my thoughts and gave them over to Jesus. I finally understood that Jesus’ power is all we need to overcome our sin and I finally got close to Him in an intimate time of Bible study and prayer. I had always believed that if I was outwardly doing great, the secrets didn’t matter. I finally told one friend and she kept me accountable. It was wonderful! BUT I was still so proud. For the last 7 years I would not let this be a part of my testimony. I would not say it or own it. I thought it was fine to keep it hidden as long as I was sorry for it. In Guatemala I received so much freedom as I sent off a few emails to my parents and close friends sharing with them my past and letting them in.
Month 3 on the race I met with a girl on our squad who led me into prayer and hearing God’s voice. She asked me to picture myself going on a date with Jesus. She asked what I was wearing, where were we going, and then she asked where are you in the room? I said, I’m wearing a black dress, we’re eating at Maggianos, and I am sitting at the table. She asked me where Jesus was- and I said awkwardly standing by the door. As I have reflected on this now and have had time with the Lord here, I have invited Him to sit with me at the table. To look at him in the face. To not feel the shame and guilt that He died for so long ago (check out the blog I wrote before-titled the Verdict Is In.). We’re free and innocent according to Him, but by not living forgiven and accepting his forgiveness, as my Dad says, we’re not allowing Him to be God. Ouch!
Those struggles have brought me so much closer to Jesus. It’s so good to get stuff up to the surface. Before it was hidden in the mucky waters right where satan wanted to keep it. He was hindering me from being completely healed in Christ. Keeping me from ministering effectively. Now, I hope it can be used in the lives of others who are keeping things hidden or stuck in the mucky waters. This is my life for a reason and I hope it helps others to see the importance of bringing things out of the darkness. This is something I am so thankful for from the Worldrace!
Drinking and drugs..ya that’s bad. But pride, self-righteousness, hypocrisy..just as bad. God sees the heart. God sees the struggle. The sin. Get real! He doesn’t leave us in it though. Yes, we will still answer for our sins someday and our actions will be judged, but Heaven is secure. So this past year I have never been more thankful for the cross, more free in Christ, or more aware of my need to be not only Spirit-led but Spirit obedient. If you’re seeking a revival in your life or in this world this is where it starts! Share your testimony! Be broken over your sin, obey the Spirit, and publicly show that Christ is your Savior!
So what mucky waters do you need to come to the surface of? I know I’m late in coming to the surface and should have done it over 7 years ago, but He is faithful to continue working on me. (Phil 1:6) He’s created me to do these good works.(Eph 2:10) This reentry has been tough and that’s an understatement. I am overwhelmed by all that I saw, the poverty, the hunger, the sickness and what to do with it now. My favorite cat died, I lost both grandparents, my Dad has incurable cancer, I’m still single, friends have changed up, and my partner in youth ministry is leaving for Africa! There could be a lot of emptiness. There are a lot of unknowns, and there is so much sadness. My heart is physically in pain. I wanted to scream and a few times I did. I can count the tear free days better than the days I’ve cried. I’ve been in freak mode, in I don’t care mode, and in zombie mode. But I’m not going back into that mucky water! I’m staying right at the surface where I can see the Lord. My Lord. Where I can hear his voice and feel his presence. Do I know where I’m going right now? Yep! Toward the Lord! He’s calling me out again. There are a few buoys out there, a couple of options, but I’m not swimming to one without God leading me! He’ll reveal it to me in His timing! Thanks for all your prayers getting me on the race, through the race, and now off the race!
So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord.
And the Lord–who is the Spirit–makes us more and more like him
as we are changed into his GLORIOUS IMAGE!
(2 Corinthians 3:18 NLT)
