Quite often, when many have approached me, they have asked, “Connor, why are you doing an eleven-month missions trip?” Before training camp, I wasn’t quite sure why I wanted to do it at all. I was frustrated…and falling into the trap of the paralysis of analysis, I held contempt for where I thought my life should be, or ought to be, rather than where it was.
Then…along comes training camp in Gainesville, Georgia, to deal with my prideful brick tower. I say brick, for the wall was constructed with mortar and stone, presuming and ascribing my identity as somehow synonymous with the various moments that built it, whether it be academic, athletic, or social. I’ve been reminded of my foundation, and it is greater than any triumph I could have alone.
Prior to all of this, I have enjoyed successes – and failures – in life, achieving unimaginable adventures that I, myself, still can’t believe. Everything from attending a top-tier University, to interning in Washington D.C. three separate times during my four-year college experience. Surely, all of that meant something. While I am grateful for the opportunities, I know I’ve lingered in them…rather held onto them, gripping and squeezing, as if they could somehow secrete what I was yearning for so long to see.
They couldn’t. And they still can’t. Why is this?
Despite having been an ardent follower of Christ since I was five, He still desires to give and take away; to build up and tear down. And it was around the afternoon on the third day of camp that I became convicted and aware that He still wanted to tear down some strongholds that have remained as bastions of rebellion. It was a bitter and freezing day, with frost sparsely strewn across the grass, and the sky beating down upon all World Racers in Gainesville. The night before, I questioned what exactly was I doing there, because the first few nights, indeed, shattered any latent idealism of what I might have to endure abroad. These thoughts meandered through my mind as I took my seat in the Training Center. I had a couple minutes to myself, so I opened my Bible to Hosea. Odd, yes, but my finger landed there and I began reading. Hosea 4:11/13 (NKJV), “(11)Harlotry, WINE, and NEW WINE enslave the heart, and MY PEOPLE counsel from their wooden idols…(13)They offer sacrifices on the mountain tops, and burn incenses on the hills…because THEIR SHADE IS GOOD.”
“Because their shade is good.” Wow. This dug deep and scratched at my bones. I became accustomed to my ‘wine’ (and ‘new wine’), for it instilled in me the old and new pleasures that I was gifted, yet I refused to acknowledge where the shade that covered me had originated. I offered sacrifices to God in the form of my successes, yet I had misunderstood what all of it was for. Please do not mistake me. I thanked God everyday for my successes, but I often questioned him greatly whenever I became enslaved to failures. I seem to dwell in the extremes – the good and the bad – because I have lived under the assumption that my achievements – and demises – have provided – or taken away – the shade that I so thoroughly rely on. They do not. What then defines me?
For me, it is not a what, but a who. I was curious, so I looked up what ‘identity’ meant, and it states: ‘the quality of being identical to something.’ So to whom was I comparing myself? (A dangerous proposition if misunderstood: 2 Corinthians 10:12). Who am I identical to? Who am I identifying with?
I allowed many things, and others, to give me definition, before I came to the end of myself and saw the substantive, gracious, judicious name of Jesus Christ once again. I pressed into his presence like I hadn’t in a long time, and He showed up knocking at my door.
So why do I want to do this 11-month missions trip? Despite all my successes and failures thus far, they do not define me, and I now know to treat those two imposters just the same. Only one has the vested authority to define me: Jesus. His finished work on the cross has sanctified me, and I am free from all capricious expectation and punitive alienation. Slain before the foundations of the Earth, God sent his son to reconcile all mankind to Himself (John 1:29/Colossians 1:20-21), and now He has commissioned me to proclaim this wondrous news in love (John 3:16), humility (2 Chronicles 7:14), compassion (Ephesians 4:32), and in truth (John 4:16) to anyone and everyone who I meet, in my words, deeds, and actions. I do not know – yet – why I have been entrusted with this great care, but I will let go, and let my soul trust in him. He began a good work in me and will follow it through to completion. He will employ all of me – all my experiences – and create situations where they can help, encourage, and reconcile others to Himself. I can’t do that. Only He can. All I must be is ready, willing, and obedient. “(And) if (I) remain silent…deliverance will arise…from another place…for who knows whether (I) have been called to the kingdom for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14).
