Even though it’s been only a week and half into my Race, God is bringing so much back to me that he has been speaking the past 9 months. Things I learned while I was in YWAM, things at training camp, and things that I learned in the process of waiting. He was singing melodies over me.
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What shall I render to the LORD
for all his benefits to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD,
I will pay my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.
Psalm 116:12-14
I woke up to this verse in my head the other morning, lying on my mat in my tent, with my pillow wet from my sweat here in Battambang, Cambodia. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to be here, that I am surrounded by a people full of joy and laughter… and cheekiness. It’s been a physical journey, of course, but a spiritual and mental one as well.
I held my bible on my stomach as I was dozing off, but kept waking up and looking at this verse (more like I was doing something to stay awake then actually reading). I woke up at 4:30 to work out with the Khmer boys that we live with and then just went back to bed for some of the personal time my team takes before our morning work duties. Even through my “acting like I’m reading” personal time, he spoke this Psalm to me.
For the past 6 months God has been using the story of Peter, and using his testimony, to speak truth and life into the circumstances that have happened in my life. When Jesus walks on water and Peter calls out, asking if it is him. Jesus calls Peter out onto the water. Peter takes THAT STEP. He takes the step of faith to join Christ on the waves. Walking out towards Jesus, he has his eyes fixed on him. But we well know that Peter starts to doubt and have fears and begins to sink.
He took that step of faith. I did that 2 years ago for myself. Yes, I have had my doubts and my struggles getting to the point that I am at now. I feel like Peter walking on those waves. I always get an image of Jesus holding out his hand as I am below the waves. I am grasping for him.
This past weekend, Lukas our ministry host, took us and his family to go see his wife’s grandfather and father out in a village. We had to walk a ways through the humid heat, rice fields, and water to get to the canoes. The canoes are long handmade canoes that the Khmer (ku-mai) people use to travel in the village.
I do not like being out on canoes, and we had to get three people, two of us and one Khmer, into one canoe. My anxiety level was high. I wasn’t the most comfortable person getting into that canoe, but I remained cool. Once in the canoe, it was different. I felt like I was tensed up the entire time, which is not what you want to be when in a long and THIN canoe at that.
It was probably a good 15 minutes to their grandfather’s house. Being super still AND with a spider on my back (no joke) and freaking out internally. I held my breath. So, I wasn’t breathing.
It wasn’t until we got to shore and Lukas was helping us all steady our canoes and helping us get out of the canoe that God spoke, telling me what was up and revealing why I was freaking out. When I am in control over my life and plan things and do things myself, I freak! I get panicky. That was me in the boat. Me in my life without God’s help.
When Lukas grabbed my hand still in that canoe, I instantly felt peace. It reminded me when I trust in Jesus and grab his hand, and trust in him, I am safe; I am not going to be in trouble. Yes, things can still happen that suck; I will be devastated and disappointed at times, but having Christ holding me and being my firm foundation, life will not feel as rocky as how that canoe felt.
Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound in and and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all thing through him who strengthens me. – Philippians 4:11-13
I have been learning the past 2 years of what it is like to “die to self” and live for Christ. IT IS HARD. Nothing to take for granted, but it is soooooo worth it, y’all!
When I do things by myself, I fail, but when I lean on Christ, grab his hand, I am more than a conqueror! Woot!
We shouldn’t rely on our own strength. God has given us a chance to chose, but he wants to be a part of the choice and a part of YOUR life. He wants to hold your hand every step of the way! All it takes is to step out on the water.
