A sweet friend messaged me last night. As I read her note, I recognized an all too familiar emotion come over me: surprise. It wasn't that the information in the message was surprising but rather my response to the love written within it.
I thought about my friend's note again this morning. I actually thought about it as I debated in my mind whether I needed to use the squatty potty bad enough to remove myself from the warm depths of my sleeping bag and emerge into the Moldovan crisp morning air. Or could I manage a bit longer all snuggled up in my bed and my I-just-woke-up-thoughts? Eventually my bladder won the discussion but that initial surprise still remained.
You see, something I've noticed about myself is that I'm surprised by love. That's right, you read correctly. When someone loves me (and I know a lot of people who love extremely well) I usually have no idea how to receive their affection. I try to play it off cool by maintaining eye contact and nodding my head, smiling to acknowledge that I'm listening to what's being said. But below the surface I'm squirming and wiggling because I have yet to figure out how to receive their love, let alone believe what they're saying about me.
If this is my response most days to people loving me, imagine my response when I hear and read truth from Jesus. That's where the surprise stems from: the magnificent and glorious God loves me. Not because of what I do or have done but simply because I am.
That's scandalous.
I admit I'm surprised by love but, despite my awkwardness, I do enjoy receiving it. Underneath the squirming, there's warmth that bubbles up and as the wiggling subsides, joy takes its place. I may not show it very well (or how to even show it) but I like the love. I'm born for love. We all are.
Jesus talked about loving our neighbor as ourselves. I think he meant you can only love others as much as you love yourself. We love ourselves as we identify and believe the love God has for each one of us. So essentially as you learn and live out how much Jesus loves you, you love yourself and therefore love other people with that same intensity.
I'm surprised by love now but a deeper revelation is coming. I feel it. It's an understanding where I won't be surprised I'm loved anymore but rather surprised at how that love is displayed and demonstrated. It won't be a kind of surprise that love exists. Instead it'll be a surprise of what love does.
