I thought about this post, trying to decide if I should edit it or not. i decided not to edit it, so here it is straight from my journal.
02-15-2015
I thought that I was going to sit here and journal, but The Lord has captured something in my heart and I hear Him speaking to me. Reminding me that, yes there is hope. I’ve also realized I am so dishonest with myself. I’m always telling myself that I’m okay. That I’m not really feeling what I KNOW I’m feeling. I need to stop. I need to be open and honest with myself. And by doing this I can be open and honest with God and others. I think one thing that I will miss the most in the days and years to come is when I say the name “Pata” and there is no response from the man. I can no longer just pick up my phone, find his number in my contacts and call him when I need him. I don’t have that anymore. But what I do have is his words spoken to me in the past. I see now why giving someone your time thoughts and full attention is so powerful and meaningful. I don’t regret for one second all the time that I gave, spent or received from my grandfather. This season is changing what I value in life or also it is adding even more value to the things I already believe to be important. I have definitely not handled this with the best grace. But so many have giving me grace and loved/loving me so well. There has absolutely been patience with/from these women, granted it has not been perfect with them either, but what I see and understand is that they know this pain themselves or can sympathy and understand too. When I looked at Kristen at LDW and knew before teams where announced that she was going to be team leader, that she was going to be MY team leader for this month. I knew her tough love was going to be what I needed this month to challenge me, grow me and teach me. I didn’t know to what extent that was going to be, but I see it now. And again I know that The Lord was showing me this, just like I knew that he had showed me that it was going to be around month 8 or 9 when my grandfather would pass and then he whispered February in my ear. Strange as it is even though this is my birthday month, I don’t mind or am upset that this was the season that he passed in, because now I feel an even deeper connection to him and feel like I can honor his memory and life even more. Does it hurt? Absolutely. Do I like it? No. I never wanted this day or time to come into my life. But it has and I have to learn how to live through it. How to not let it destroy me, but give to me more strength, love and understanding for those who have to walk through it too. I don’t want this grief to rob me of the zest for life that I’ve carried with me from my youth. I don’t want to give it the power to make me a bitter person. I want to see the beauty in the pain. Find what the hope is that I’m holding unto. That is carrying me through this. I still want to learn from my grandfathers life even in his death. And I know that I will. I know this because of the way he would speak to me and teach me. Sometimes when we would talk he would speak to me about the mysteries of life, leaving me with my brain hurting because of everything that I was trying to process. But then a little way down the road I would see what he was talking about and understand. I know that as I continue to walk the path of life I will still have these revelations to things he’s spoking to me and finally get it. I will understand and in that understanding I will feel him close again and know his love. And my heart will rejoice within me to The Lord for this precious gift of HIMSELF that he has giving me through the life of my grandfather’s. Yes because of these things and many more this loss can feel unbearable to me at times and I forget what light looks like. But The Lord does hold the treasures of darkness too and when that light is found it holds a new brilliance and my love is deepened. Something my grandfather would say to me is “to walk this life, letting The Lord take you closer to Him, the more alone you will feel in this life”. I hated it when he would say this to me, because who wants to be alone?! It is not the kind of aloneness that I thought he meant I am now seeing. Something that this loneliness can create in you is a deeper love for others. We do have the power to let others into or lives or not to. There is this little Swazi boy in a orange shirt that is sitting next to me. Through is eyes, his little laugh and smile I am experiencing a renewing of love and understanding in my Spirit. On the race I have seen things, people and different ways of life that I have never known before. For that I am thankful. Sitting here in this African service I am reminded of the times that I spent sitting in services with my grandfather. Hearing his thoughts on the church of Christ and the word. I am so thankful that I did not see my grandfathers body take on the fragile form that it did before his death. That my memories of him are of a strong healthy man. Still full of life. When Kristen asked me today if I wanted to go back “home” I said no. I said no because I needed to be around life. I needed to see life. Life that I did not have to actually engage in, but that I could sit in and soak up the truth that life still goes on and to find the truth again that there is still reason for going on. Life is still worth living, fighting for and loving. My beliefs are changing and becoming my own, not empty words anymore. This has been a season of breaking me. I feel like I keep getting thrown against the rocks in a big wave. I am learning what I am made of. Whom my God is.
