- Why did you bring me here God?
- Why is what lurks in the dark so much more prevalent here than at home?
- Why am I not experiencing spiritual attacks like most of the squad?
- Is it because my faith and beliefs are strong? or is it because I don’t believe at all.
- How come I’m having such a hard time diving deeper into scripture even with a daily devotional plan?
- How come when I try to explain this humble confusion to people I don’t have any words to put a sentence together?
- Why am I so happy to be here but feel the most alone I’ve ever felt?
- Why am I having doubts?
- How come when I call on you for answers I can’t hear you God?
- You’ve shown me crazy things this past year and thats still not enough, Why?
These are some of the big questions that have been rattling around my head the last week here in Swaziland. I originally didn’t want to post this blog because it seemed to be such a negative start to this trip I worked so hard for. After discussion with my team we came to a conclusion that posting this has more power than I thought it did. It shows all of you guys that I am growing in my faith. Struggle is growth. God is pressuring me to ask more questions so I can dive deeper into community, scripture, and prayer to answer them and get closer to him.
I received a text from my mentor and former youth pastor Andrew Larsen tonight. He told me he was praying for my squad and I. I sent him the list above and his response was simple but made so much sense.
“Faith is obeying God’s call when it is hardest and doesn’t make sense.”
anyone can follow God when it’s easy, but those who follow God even when its hard experience the most growth. I’m asking that you guys keep me in your prayers these next couple weeks as I work to strengthen my faith. I know this is exactly where God wants me and I just want to thank all my grandparents, immediate family and friends, and everyone else who donated to me enabling me to actually get here. It seriously means the world you guys are the best and I love all of you. I promise I’ll write another blog with pictures from Swaziland for you guys when I have better wifi. Until then know that I’m safe and working hard to serve others less fortunate than us.
