Before I get into things I would just like to reiterate something Seth Barnes shared with my squad when he visited us last week.
One of the many keys to a successful community is taking the risk of being vulnerable and speaking about the hard things in life. It builds trust and strengthens the relationships of the people around you.
Through my high school years I silently struggled with depression and identity. I was never actually clinically tested but that’s besides the point and that doesn’t change how I felt in this time of struggle. I never really talked about it much out of fear of what people would think of me, as well as I refused to believe I was damaged.
Looking back at it all though I’ve been able to pick apart a lot of what i believe had caused this fog of depression in my life in the past. Identity was a huge root to my depression, as well as lack of confidence. In my late high school years I was desperately trying to put my identity in something but never seemed to find it. Mainly because it was always things of the world. Because I couldn’t find anything to identify myself with I struggled with confidence and often felt I was being perceived as weak.
Loneliness was another large root to this depression. Looking back it wasn’t so much of in the physical sense as much as it was in the community sense. Like feeling completely alone in a crowd of peers. With the feeling of loneliness comes the inevitable feeling of being unloved. Feeling unloved will often create a pit that you will desperately try to fill. Usually with items or ideas of the world. It’s unfortunate though because it’s often times impossible to fill, or you’re still left unsatisfied after working so hard to keep it half full.
Anyways, it’s time to switch gears and explain why this is all relevant.
I’m currently in a state of depression again, however it’s not because of these previous struggles. Since coming to Christ two years ago in March and really growing in faith these past seven or so months I’ve learned all these previous beliefs were just a bunch of facades meant to oppress me.
It’s been about two weeks now and in that time I’ve been able to work through the past to try and help answer the problems of the present. I know I’m loved tremendously by the people in my community back home as well as the community I have here and also by the Lord of course. I’m the most confident I’ve ever been about myself and I’ve truly grown into a leader (words from the people around me). My words carry weight and I know what I say is valued. I’m not boasting I’m just called to walk in confidence of my gifts from the Lord and I’ve come to realize that as well as do so. Loneliness isn’t an issue either considering I’m thriving in the other two previous problems.
So what’s the issue then?
The race is coming to a close and soon I’m going to be home and no longer in the community that laid such a strong foundation for my faith this past year. I’m so excited to be home though, I can’t wait to start discipling the family and friends in my community back home. I’m also fearful though.
I’m not fearful of rejection to my beliefs because the only person that effects is the person rejecting it (I know what I believe in and I’m confident in it).
I’m afraid of not discipling my community well though.
I’m afraid I’m going to try and take all the responsibility in others relationships with Christ.
What I’m most fearful of though is what happens to the people I may potentially have to cut out of my life. I’m terrified of taking to much responsibility in how they view God after the bridges have been burnt.
I blame this on my contemplative personality. I focus to much on the details and the outcomes of situations which can create seasons of depression in life. Especially when it comes to big situations like the ones I’m about to encounter in less than two months. For the time being though I need to remain patient. If I jump the gun and start focusing to much on the future I miss out on the what’s more important in life, that being the present. The best way to get through this though is faithfulness. I’m going to do my best to grow more and further solidify the foundation I walk on.
Thank you all for reading this and I’d love to hear back on thoughts about all this. Just shoot me an email at [email protected] if you want to speak life into me or just talk.
Thank you for the continuous support,
Cole
P.S. Pray that I become fully funded soon I’m starting to take some heat for it!
