Month 6, complete- What a crazy thing to say. I have been living overseas with 30 roommates and doing each moment of life with people on a consistent basis for 183 days. I am expectant for the last three months and cannot wait to share what ministry I am doing as well as life in Asia with you, buuuuttttt I have walked through a lot in the last three months. Similar to the blog that I wrote at the end of South Africa, I want to give you a glimpse into where my heart was each month while being in Ecuador- it is not always pretty, these were a hard three months, but sometimes it just helps to hear and relate to what someone else is walking through. So, here. we. go. P.S. I am really thankful you are journeying with me! Feel free to text me or comment if you have a similar story, if you need specific prayer, or if you just want to chat!
Month Four: Present. Jesus is a person and He goes with me wherever I go. During this month, I experienced Christmas away from home for the first time. I remember so vividly as I was sitting on the sidewalk, FaceTiming my parents + brother as they were doing Christmas with my extended family and I just BURSTED into tears- to think that was how the weekend BEFORE Christmas was going, of course I was dreading the actual day. We went to a different ministry over the holidays given that many of our ministries were closed, and Jesus was just the kindest. There was a North-American couple living there full time and had their three children for Christmas- not only that, THEY ARE FROM HUNTSVILLE! Such a small world and such a blessing- they did a Christmas Eve candlelight service for us and it was a HARD night, but that is when I realized::::: I don’t have to be sad! Of course I miss my family + home and that is absolutely okay, however, the REAL reason for the season is Jesus and I think I finally grasped that. As you know, it is such a common phrase, but it took me being so far from home to hear the Father and know Him in a way that it didn’t matter where I was in the world- I can still worship God who is the God of peace and who is so WORHY of being praised. So, Christmas morning in 2019 looked like me waking up and spending extended time with my sweetest Jesus and then spending time with 30 others who point me towards that Jesus. The small, yet sweet things in life, my friends.
Month Five: U G L Y. As I was preparing to write this blog, I jokingly told my team that I was going to consider that to be my word for this month and they reminded me of the importance of vulnerability, told me that this month was truly ugly, but because of Christ and Him finishing it on the cross, I can speak about it boldly. Really and truthfully, life has been heavy, full of so much darkness, and really brown. I felt this way a bit in November, but in January I hit a wave that knocked me off of my feet and left me unable to get up. Truly, I am still not up. It is not a diagnosis from a doctor, but after confiding in many mentors as well as trusted adults and explaining the way I have felt, I think I have in the past and am currently dealing with a form of depression. It has been hard to get out of bed, to do basic and daily tasks, as well as spend time with the Father- anything that I am not required to be at or do, I have to really work to get there. To be very transparent, I desperately called my parents one Sunday night, explaining the fight it has been for me as well as letting them know just how deep my desire is to come home. This month, I truly just wished each day away and that was so hard for me because I have wanted to be HERE, doing The World Race, for so many years and I finally am, but now? I want to be anywhere but here. Not to mention: I am at my dream ministry, in classrooms with angels with a disability, and I choose to be in the kitchen day after day, week after week.
Month Six: Courage. Sweet Anna Catherine, one of my mentors, wrote me a note for each month and this was her chosen word for this month. The Lord is just really sweet in how He knows where I am going to be each day and each month and uses others around me to point me more towards Him. Anyways, in this month, I have had to learn how to just get up and face each day. I reached out to my Squad Mentor as well as one of my coaches who are working with me while I am on the field and it has been the greatest blessing- if you are in a similar spot, I do truly encourage you to reach out and tell someone because you are not alone! My coach who I ADORE, just shared her story with depression and allowed me to see that it is okay and does not mean I am DOOMED forever. God can absolutely heal, but even if He chooses not to, this just might be what I have to work through for the rest of my days. BUT, He is always with me and I can indeed face today and tomorrow and the next day- one step at a time.
I have been given some practical ways to help with this mental fog and I will share them with you because I do believe He has given me this story to share with others and help them, even if I am still walking through it. So, here they are:
Wake up 30 minutes earlier than usual. Give yourself time to collect your thoughts and to seek the Father as well as surrender your day to Him.
Spend at least 30 minutes outside and in the sun, as weather permits, each afternoon. Vitamin D is so beneficial and being outside is so good for your soul!
One that I have had to implement for myself is not getting in bed until it is time for bed. I got in a really unhealthy habit of getting in bed as soon as I got home from ministry, sleeping until dinner, getting up to eat, and going back to bed. So, unless I am just physically exhausted and NEED it, I don’t get in my bed until I go to bed.
So, yeah. A really hard and not pretty few months, but I do know of the Father and His faithfulness and am holding onto that- He never has and won’t ever let me down. I will also inform you, I do not plan on coming home. I really want to finish my last three months and do believe God could have easily sent me on this journey to identify and work through this, but I also believe that He will continue to walk with me and show me how to navigate this with Him. I do plan on seeking out help when I get back to the States, just to evaluate where I truly am, but until then, one day at a time, one step at a time.
