alright so this blog is a bit hard for me to write cause i’m so bad at being vulnerable, so sorry in advance if it’s a bit rough. like a lot of people, i’ve always had a really intense struggle with feeling like i’m never enough and at the end of the day feeling like i never really amount to anything at all. i’ve grown so much in learning the unending love of God and i want to share a little about what i have struggled with in the past and how God has moved in me and wrecked my world completely, changing my whole outlook on life!
the world, our family and friends, school, society, and even our own minds always tend to tell us that we have to perform a certain way or accomplish certain achievements in order to be enough or to have any real meaning at all. that’s what i grew up genuinely believing as truth. that mentality has put me through some of the hardest times in my whole life, oftentimes degrading myself so much that i see myself as nothing more than dirt. and when you think of your life as equivalent to dirt… you begin to see no worth or purpose in it at all, because who wants dirt? people want pretty and extravagant things, not dirt.
it’s been a real blessing to grow up in a christian family who prioritizes church and Christ, but even with God being such a center piece in my life it’s still been easy for me to believe things directly opposed to what the Bible teaches. instead of accepting the truth that God loves me so much that He died on the cross for me, i believed that i was worthless and would never amount to what God wanted out of me. this isn’t just toxic to my own well being, but it’s blasphemous in the respect that i’m actively despising that which God not only said is good, not only said he LOVES, but that which He created and died for. negative self talk was turning into my passion, and with that i started losing any kind of zest for life at all. i went through phases where i would feel absolutely numb. i got so used to the feeling of numbness that i began to think that there was no way of living except for feeling nothing at all. with years of this building up it started getting to where i was just ready for it to all be over. on the outside you would see a happy person who loved life intensely, but that’s just because i became really good at wearing masks; hiding who i was and how i felt. on the inside i was truly rotting away. it got to the point where all it took was a nasty look from a stranger for me to want die. i was so desensitized to death because that’s all i spoke over myself. all day. every. single. day. every. single. moment.
the only joy or happiness i ever felt was when i was being complimented or getting validation for my achievements. i thrived by the world alone, therefore i fell short of any true joy. one of the worst parts about all of this is that i was so used to feeling this way that i began to genuinely enjoy the dark feelings. but God. BUT GOD! but God came in to save the day time after time after time! whenever i would get in those really toxic whirlpools, God would always miraculously show up and save me. God would always show up and show me that He really does love me and that my fight for trying to earn His love had to end because God doesn’t require anything of me. i was so convinced that in order for God to love me i had to change everything about myself and conform to the image i had in my head of the “perfect christian”. i was convinced that until i became perfect i would never be loved by God. it took me way longer than i’d like to admit for me to truly except that God’s love is unconditional, like actually unconditional.
today during squad church we sang the song “no longer slaves” and it brought me back to all these memories of how horrible i used to treat myself and how horrible i always felt. it brought me back there because that song genuinely changed my life. i feel like God has always really spoken to me through music. the cool thing about it too is that the same song can have completely different meanings at different times in life. i remember one chilly night i was laying down outside staring up at the stars and i said “God i’m so done with life right now so if for any reason you want me here, please just make it known to me. but if you don’t i don’t think i can take it any longer” and then like almost instantly i picked up my phone, went to spotify, and God showed me this song. AHHH it literally changed me life!! He reveled to me that i’m not a slave to the world, i’m not a slave to my sorrow or sadness, i’m not oppressed by fear. I AM A FREE LIBERATED CHILD OF GOD! He told me He deliberately chose me. i am part of His family, His blood runs through my veins! my fears are drowned and destroyed through His perfect love! He told me that i was no longer a slave to the fear and depression of the world, but i am free through the blood and love of God. like GOD the guy who made everything. like the guy who made MOUNTAINS AND OCEANS!! and the best part is that above all those things He created, above the mountains, rivers, oceans, fields, forests, clouds, stars, galaxies. above all those things, He loves me more than all them put together! woah.
God allowed me to take off my raggedy old clothes, and to dress in His righteousness. i still don’t know why He would ever love me so fervently, and i’ve excepted that i never will. i’m excited to rest in His mysterious love! this new gift of living was such a blessing, but that didn’t mean it was pain free. it was so hard to keep pursuing Gods love and to stop treating myself like dirt. still is sometimes. but God is a Lord of promises, so i don’t care what it is that i have to go through because He promises to be by my side through it all! what an awesome God!
one of the big reasons the world race seemed so appealing to me is because after i found just how comforting the burning love of God is for myself, i wanted to share it with everyone in the whole world! i want to fight for His fame until i am with Him! the thought of people living without the passion of Christ in their veins brings me to tears because i know how broken i was without it! my last blog was titled “my why” but i think i forgot to address the main reason of me signing up being to share the burning fire inside of me with those who feel cold and empty! i don’t want anyone to ever feel the way i felt. God is not a God of shame or condemnation, He doesn’t hold who we are or what we’ve done against us, He loves us where we are! that is perfect love! that is unconditional love!
i’m learning more and more everyday to look to the Bible to tell me how to feel about myself! it’s there that i find that i am child of God (John 1:12), a temple of The Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19), justified (Romans 3:24), tenderly loved (Jeremiah 31:3), the light of the world (Matthew 5:14), Christ’s friend (John 15:15), a Prince in God’s kingdom (John 1:12-13), and SO much more! i don’t like to put all the attention on how great we are, because we obviously aren’t God, but i also think it’s so important to know who you are! second to The Holy Spirit, God’s children are the most valuable things on the earth! let’s rest in that!
if any of this resonated with you please please please reach out to me or a close friend or family member, and most importantly to God.i pray that God brings a sense of value through Him to everyone reading this.
“However, Jesus did not permit him, but said to him, “Go home to your friends, and tell them what great things the Lord has done for you, and how He has had compassion on you.” Mark? ?5:19?
